December 21

Yesterday we went to a memorial service for a close friend of Roberto's, James "Sparky" Howden. He has known the Howden's since he was 13 years old in South Africa. Almost all their family has moved to America, except for one son who still lives there. They had four boys and a girl. It was interesting to listen to each child describe his feelings for their dad. I only knew him briefly, but from what I saw, he was a very positive man who cared about people. His children described him as a firm, but loving father. He dedicated his life to serving others. He had a very sad childhood, which brought tears to my eyes, just imagining that a child had to endure something so sad. His father passed away when he was young, so his mother had to raise him and his siblings alone. She was unable to do that, so the children were all put into orphanages. The mother died two years later. I was very affected by that. Roberto sat very close, with me holding his hands tightly. I knew he would have a very hard time at this service. He really loved Sparky.

The thing that impressed me the most was what Sparky accomplished in his lifetime and how he was described by his children. It made me think about what will be said when I am gone and what I have accomplished. Funerals are always a time for reflection on what it will be like when we face God and account for all the things we have done. That is always very sobering.

I know I am not as spiritual as I used to be and that worries me. I need to be more actively involved in my ward and reading my scriptures and personal prayer. As I sat in Sacrament Meeting today, alone, because the kids are with their dad and Roberto was at work. I sat there, looking around feeling so bitter. I don't feel close to anyone in this ward, I still can't take the sacrament (which is my own fault) and when someone came to offer me the bread and water, I had to shake my head. I always sit in the way back when I'm alone and have to shake my head like that. I don't want anyone to see that. But I'm sure many people have noticed.

I still have so much anger over my divorce. Sometimes it almost chokes me with the intensity of it. Today was one of those times. I look around at families sitting there and I wonder if they will make it. I worked my hardest trying to raise my children and to be the best wife I could be. I was no different than any of those families and yet some of those women judge me. I often wonder what many of those women would do if they were in the same situation I was placed in.

I came home and I called Roberto at work and told him my feelings. He knows I have anger issues and often tells me to just let it go. He listened to me and tells me he misses me while he is at work. Many times he just opens up his arms and says, "Come here..." and he holds me.

I went by Mom's tonight for dinner. We had roast beef with veggies. It was a nice meal. When the kids and I were living with her, she would always have dinner ready when I got home from work. That was the nicest thing. That was one less thing I had to worry about. We talked about the kids, Roberto and our plans for Christmas. Going there brings back memories of Dad. There are little reminders of him all over the house. Sometimes it's really painful. I borrowed a bunch of CD's of his so I could download his music. On his birthday this year, I played his music all day. That was really nice. I hear those old songs and they make me smile because they remind me of when I was young and he would play his music loud enough that you could hear it wherever you were in the house. You could even hear it outside as well!! When these songs play, I know the words and sing along. It brings back warm feelings of being young and safe. I haven't felt safe like that for many years. Being with Roberto, I finally feel safe again. He makes smart decisions and he thinks like Dad. He takes care of the kids and I. I feel protected again. I am grateful for that.

This week is going to be so nice to be with all my children again. I have missed that so much. It will be nice to have them all at the table, talking and laughing again. I will take lots of pictures so I can keep the memories alive.

December 19, 2008

On Wednesday, we had an office party and exchanged white elephant gifts. I vowed I would NOT take Bill's gift, yet that is exactly what happened, which is kind of hilarious. He got my gift as well, which is really kind of creepy. My gift was a popcorn tin and I had put it in a big felt Santa bag, which was really cute. Everyone wanted the gift just for the bag. Bill's gift was Deluxe Monopoly game. I brought it home and I played it with Brett and Emeli that night. Roberto was working late and he hates that game, so it worked out really well. Emeli had played the game with her step-sisters and they had never really known how to play it, so they hadn't played it right. But she played it right with Brett and I. It was funny to see her at first. She started out not really watching her properties and when people landed on them. Pretty soon she figured out you get money if you catch people on your properties. We were nice to her at first and kind of let her know. But once the game got a little more involved and more money was charged for rent, we weren't as helpful and we told her we were doing that. I told her the best thing to do is always look around the board when it's your turn and you have the dice in your hands. She took that literally to the point where Brett and I were begging her to go and pointing out that NO ONE was on her properties. She has cut throat potential...haha! I beat Brett and Emeli thoroughly. I kept landing on Free Parking and had hotels on all my properties. It got to the point where I was keeping track of how much they owed me on a note pad. They each owed me around $5k by the time we were done with the game. But it was all in good fun.

Emeli tends to take losing very seriously. As the game was becoming more intense, I warned her. I told her that from now on, it was going to get more expensive and she was going to have to be mature about losing. If she couldn't handle it, now would be the time to stop. Of course she didn't want to stop, so she put on a brave face and said she would be mature if she lost the game and owed people lots of money. That's the beauty of Monopoly. If you lose the game, you usually go down in flames and it can teach you how to be a graceful loser, something Emeli still needs to learn. When she plays Uno, she's awful. She gets so pouty if she has to take a bunch of cards. So this game kind of helped her learn sportsmanship.

Last night Emeli and I went to Allen's and bought stuff to make English toffee. While there, we found cute mugs really cheap. I bought one for Heather and Mesha because we have free hot cocoa at work and it's good hot cocoa, but VERY sweet. So I have to limit myself or I would gain fifty pounds just from the hot cocoa!! We also bought a mug for her teacher. So we filled the mugs with English toffee. I also bought her candy canes to give to all her friends. So while I made English toffee, Brett and Emeli played Monopoly again. Brett has all the expensive properties. I told him he's a big jerk for taking advantage of Emeli like that. But I can't point fingers because I used to play that cut throat with my sisters. They are STILL bitter about it. In fact, they both made rude comments on my facebook when I changed my status to say that I creamed Brett and Emeli in Monopoly. Very funny...

Of course, she forgot all of it in her rush to get to the bus this morning, so she called me at work begging me to leave work and take it to her. I am going to see her Christmas program at school at 2pm, so I will take it then. I told her that. She thought I should leave work and bring it to her. Nope.

This weekend, the kids are with their dad until Sunday night. He's not happy about that, but, oh well. Tonight, Roberto and I will go out and see a movie. Tomorrow we have a funeral at 1:00 for a man who was like a father to Roberto. He has been ill for a long time and finally passed away a week ago. Roberto took it very hard. He will probably be a mess tomorrow, too. He was a good man who was very cheerful, even up to the end. That's how I want to be.

I am so excited about the holidays, I can hardly stand it!!!

December 17

Yesterday was a drama day. I got into the car, heading home and found out that Emeli had stuck a dime up her nose and it went down her throat and she swallowed it. I was shocked! Emeli swallowed a penny when she was four years old and I thought it was traumatic enough that she would NEVER do that again!! I guess not. I got home and she was hysterical. I was told that she was not as hysterical as she had been. Roberto was upstairs on the computer and didn't know what was happening until Brett told him. Emeli had called her dad in a panic. That irritates Roberto because he feels like he is being passed up as not being helpful enough or adult enough to help. I understand his feelings and I understand Emeli wanting to call her dad because her behavior is a cry for attention. It's so annoying.

I had printed up a bunch of questions that Roberto and I could ask each other to get to know each other better. We had plenty of time last night to go through them all because Emeli went with her dad to his ward Christmas party. We were almost done with them all when she came home with a note from her dad.

He was informing me of what he thought the Christmas itinerary should be with the kids. I was livid. Brett and Emeli saw me crying. His plan was for them to be with him from the 20th until the 26th. He would deliver them back to me on the 26th at 11:00am. Brett was not happy about that because he doesn't want to be there that long and neither does Emeli. But as soon as they say that to their dad, he gets all dramatic and starts crying.

Roberto told me to let it pass. He told me to calm down. He reminded me that the kids would not choose to stay that long and not see me. I just need to remember that and not let their dad affect me like that. He was hurt that I would spend so much emotional energy on that. He said I should spend my energy on him and the kids. I agreed with him, but all I could see was red. I couldn't see through it. I still seethe when I allow myself to think about it.

Now I have harassed Freddy and Brett about the schedule to the point where they are irritated with me and are reminding me to have more trust in them to put their foot down with their dad. I know I need to trust, but it's hard for me.

I was also irritated because their dad was insisting on this weekend even though he wouldn't be there. Emeli wanted to go because they have a Wii. Brett enjoys being with his step-mom. I was complaining to my boss about it. He goes through crap with his ex and his kids, too. He told me to get as much overtime as I want the week before and after our company meeting in California. With that money from the overtime, he wanted me to buy a Wii so that my kids would not feel compelled to go to their dad's in order to play it. No one else has been given that opportunity. He had an office meeting where he was telling everyone to cut short their hours during that time so he didn't have to pay them overtime and he was granting me overtime. I was almost in tears. I thought that was very sweet.

I don't know if I will take him up on it, though. I know we have other things to pay for with that money. Roberto told me that when his tax money comes in from Holland, we can buy a Wii then. I agree. Not only that, but I don't like overtime. I like being home. So we'll see.

Today we had an office Christmas party and we had a White Elephant gift exchange. I got a Monopoly game. It's a deluxe version and it is really nice. I didn't have a Monopoly game. So the kids and I played it tonight and I kicked their butts! That was hilarious and fun. They were good sports about it, though.

So my day ended on a nice note. Pretty soon Roberto will be home from working 2-10pm and we will talk about our days. I always enjoy that. I am grateful for my husband and I love my children.

December 15, 2008

The weekend was very snowy and I HATE snow. It's okay right before Christmas, but before that and after that, it is not allowed. I went to pick Roberto up from work and there was a HUGE accident along the highway. People insist on driving fast. Emeli, on the other hand, is a huge fan of snow. She likes to say she hates it, but I can tell she loves it. She went stomping through it out in the backyard on Sunday morning in her boots. You can see where she walked all over the yard. Her favorite thing to is eat the snow. EVERY year, I have to remind her that snow is made from polluted water and I do not want her to eat it. EVERY year she listens to me and then five minutes later, she is out eating snow...grrr!!

This week at work is going to be pretty low key and then I have Christmas vacation for a whole week!!! Yeah!!! I get to sleep in, hang out with my boys and just do nothing but cook, bake and enjoy the holiday.

This time last year, I was working at Roberts and it was the pits. Christmas at Roberts means you get to deal with all the crabby last minute shoppers.

Last year on Christmas Eve, Roberto proposed to me. I was sitting there watching people unwrap presents. Roberto said, "Here's something for Judi to unwrap..." and handed me a little box. I unwrapped it and there was a ring in it. Roberto dropped to his knees, took my hand, and asked me to marry him. I was so surprised. I said, "What are you doing? Of course, I will marry you!!" but he didn't hear me and a couple of minutes later, he said, "You never answered me." I laughed and told him I had immediately answered him. Are you kidding? I wasn't going to let him get away. And I have been blessed to have a wonderful, sweet husband who is my best friend.

I am especially looking forward to spending the holidays with Roberto. We have adopted some traditions for our family. Since Roberto is German and grew up celebrating Christmas in the German tradition, we do both German and American traditions. Every Sunday (or Monday nights if Roberto is working late on Sunday) we sing Christmas songs with a candle burning. Each week you burn a new candle in addition to the candle you burned the weeks before. On December 6, we celebrated Sinterklaas by laying out shoes and getting treats in them. On Christmas Eve, we will unwrap some Christmas presents and then on Christmas Day, we will unwrap more. We are trying to create family traditions for our new family and I know Brett and Emeli love it.

I am so blessed to have wonderful children and a wonderful husband. I can't imagine spending the holidays alone and I am so blessed to have family around me.

TGIF

There is this one guy in our building who reminds me of Taylor. He dresses like Taylor, looks like him and is about his age. He comes into the break room at lunch time and warms up his lunch. I find myself staring at him and watching him. I feel like I am looking at Taylor. He has probably seen me looking at him and wonders why this woman who is old enough to be his mother keeps staring at him. It hurts to see him and know I don't get to see a lot of Taylor. I miss that a lot. I remember when he was young and gone from home a lot, I would miss him. He would play me the music he was listening to. There are some songs that I will hear and they make me misty eyed because they remind me of when Taylor was in high school, in his band, playing his guitar in his room and listening to his music. I remember being his roady and driving his band equipment around or going to the grungiest Seattle pits to listen to his band play. His band ALWAYS performed last and I had to listen to all the other crappy bands first.

I remember in the third Indiana Jones movie how Sean Connery says to Harrison Ford. "You left home when you got interesting." That's so true. You struggle with these kids, look forward to the day they go to school and you get a break during the day and then as soon as they have opinions worth listening to and can carry on a decent conversation, they move out. What's up with that?!!! I love you, Taylor and miss you.

There isn't much to talk about today.

I had a fight with Emeli last night about her wanting to own "The Dark Knight". She and I have discussed this ad nauseum. I refuse to allow her to see that movie again. Then she pushed to get a Joker shirt. I again said no. I will not allow my daughter to wear a shirt with that evil character on it. I told her that I don't put my foot down on a lot of things. I'm pretty open minded, but this one I feel strongly about.

So last night Brett and I spent the evening at the library. I love going to the library. I wish I had time to read all the books I want to read. I put a bunch of exercise videos on hold. Two of them are hula dancing ones. That would be fun!!

Poor Roberto has to work from noon until 10pm tonight. That's a long day!! He is such a hard worker. He comes home and tells me the saddest stories about the kids there. It breaks my heart.

I was delivering some dinner to Roberto last night and was waiting in the lobby to use their phone to let him know I was there. While there, I heard a woman crying on the phone. She was upset because her step-son was locked up and she was arranging a court date for him. He is 11 years old and has been molesting her 5 year old daughter (his step-sister). She was saying he lives at his mother's house and has been molested and has had a pornography addiction since the age of 8 years old!! That just tore me up. I sat there thinking about my boys and how they would NEVER do that to their sister. It's so sad.

So tonight I am going to go to Spanish Fork High School and do spinning. It's an hour long and it's fast and I'm going to die. I just know it!!

Christmas Break

I am so excited that I have my boys coming to see me for Christmas. Even though Taylor will be with us for just a couple of days, it will be worth it just to see him. I haven't seen him for a year! That is so painful when I think about it.

I will be off work all during the week of Christmas. That is so exciting! I will bake and cook like a mad woman. Freddy has requested all his favorite dinners and Taylor has asked me to make fudge. Roberto's idea of fudge is different than American fudge. I'm sure he'll like this fudge, though. He has such a sweet tooth!!

I'm looking forward to visiting, playing games, listening to their music and just joking around like old times. It will be so nice to be together again. We really miss Taylor and Freddy!!

I am so grateful to be able to be with my kids during the holidays!