It's been forever since I have blogged. I have avoided blogging for the last little while because my job has really been hard. For a while, I was ready to walk. I was coming home in tears and miserable. But things are better now. I didn't want to vomit all my feelings in the blog. That would be boring. So suffice it to say that my job is better right now. It's always cyclic with my boss. He's a jerk for a while, then he feels sorry, then he's nice and it cycles like that. It's an abusive circle. But it pays the bills and there is nothing better out there right now.
We went to the Provo temple on Friday to do Dad's work. That was nice. I didn't really feel him there, but that's okay. Ryan did his work and he felt the Spirit and felt like it was a good thing, so I'm satisfied with that. It felt good to be back in the temple again. I reflected a lot on how I have been in the last two years and I'm not too happy with myself. So I have decided to clean up my language. Roberto would never tell me stop swearing, even though he is not a swearing person himself. He only swears when he is truly angry. I used to be that way, but I have started to swear a lot more than that. I told Roberto I was going to stop swearing and he just nodded. I told him I appreciate that he never told me to stop swearing but he let ME decide for myself. He said that's the way it should be. I should only change if I want to change. I love that about him.
Of course, the morning before I had to go to the temple, there was drama. There always is. I had given my key to Brett a couple of weeks ago and then Freddy found it and used it, so it was not on my key ring. Freddy went grocery shopping with me that morning and didn't bring his key, either. So when we got back from WalMart, we were locked out. Of course, when Roberto left, he had the house locked down and there was NO way for us to get in. So we drove to Emeli's school, found her on the playground and got the key from her. I flew upstairs, changed and met Barbi, Ryan and Mom at our lunch place and was able to just inhale my lunch before we left. But I was telling Freddy that it's not really a good temple day if you don't have drama like that beforehand.
We bought Emeli two goldfish on Wednesday. She was thrilled. She named one Bones because Taylor told her to and the other one looked like a tiger, so we named it Tigger. The next morning, Bones was dead. This freaked her out, but we got over it and went back to WalMart to tell them about the fish. We had our receipt, but they wanted the dead fish, too. okay. whatever. We got a replacement fish. It was really cute. Emeli was very worried that it would die as well. She was going to Idaho with her dad and wanted us to all take care of them. Unfortunately, the fish both died on Friday night when she was gone to Idaho. It wouldn't be so bad except that she has lost a lot of pets in the last two years. One summer we had two litters of kittens and each night at about 10pm, one of the kittens would die. There were 8 kittens. Talk about drama. Every single night we lost a kitten. So she's really gun shy about losing pets. So we are going to go to PetSmart instead of WalMart. We think the fish are sick and diseased there at WalMart.
As we were driving home from WalMart, the song "The Flame" by Cheap Trick came on the radio. Roberto started singing it to me. In the song he says,
"Wherever you go, I'll be with you.
Whatever you want
I'll give it to you
Whenever you need someone
To lay your heart and head upon
Remember after the fire After all the rain
I will be the flame"
As Roberto was singing that to me, he was holding my hand and catching my eye while he was driving. It was very tender. Emeli sat in the back seat watching us. I looked back and caught her eye and we shared a smile. She knows how happy I am and I know she likes seeing it. I'm hoping that little things like that will help her know what SHE wants when she gets married.
So this weekend we went to Malad, ID for Memorial Day weekend and that was really nice. It was very relaxing to just sit around, talk and I got a ton of needlework done. I also learned how to make really good curry. So I'm making it on Friday night. YUM. We went by Rachelle's on the way back down to Springville. That was nice. Rachelle and I went shopping for shoes and of course, that was way fun. There is nothing like getting out and shopping for shoes.
Emeli was a little emotional when she got home last night and saw her little empty bowl. There was something murky floating around in the water, so we are thinking the water was gross and the fish were diseased. So we are going somewhere else for new fish for her this week.
I know I have left out a bunch of stuff, but I will keep more abreast of things from now on.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
May 4, 2009 Monday
This weekend was really nice, even though we had some drama that we could have done without. Reader’s Digest version: Emeli watched “The Matrix” on Saturday morning and lied to me about it. The boys had let her watch it Friday night thinking it would be okay because she has seen it before. Freddy lied to me about it, too. So we made them both come up with three consequences and we would pick the one that would happen to them. We still haven’t talked with Freddy about what his consequence should be. Emeli’s is that she is grounded from friends all week.
I really love how Roberto supports me with the kids. He isn’t just an observer. He helps me discipline them and I really appreciate it. When he talks to them, he doesn’t yell and if I start to raise my voice, he will quietly touch me and kind of rub my back or my arm, reminding me to be softer.
We are really tight this week. I told the boys that we are so tight, Roberto didn’t know where we would get money for food. That was more for their benefit so they would understand I can’t take them out for pizza or crap like that. Unfortunately, Emeli overheard me. Emeli came up to our room yesterday and said, “Mom, is it time for me to tell Dad that we are going to starve this week and that he needs to pay more child support?” I told her no. I told her that Roberto had figured out how to buy some food and we are going to be able to buy food. I also told her that it is not her job to worry like that. Roberto worries about that kind of thing and he always has a solution. If it got that bad, he would ask the bishop for help. I told her that he would never let her go hungry. He would go without food before he would let her go hungry. I told her he has done that before, too. Then I told her that he has gold and if it ever became so bad here, he would sell some gold to keep us safe. I hope she felt better after that. I told her to stop worrying and be a kid. Roberto worries enough for all of us combined to the point that he can’t sleep, so things will always be taken care of. I told her he loves her like she was his own daughter and he will always take care of her.
Later, she went to hug Freddy and he was kind of impatient and told her, “Emeli, why do you always need to hug?” She just kind of wilted and walked away. I was there and walked up to her and held her. I told her that she is very huggy and that sometimes people are busy and they aren’t thinking about that kind of thing. It’s good to have her around so she can remind us to slow down and hug more often. I told her to give Freddy another chance. Freddy felt terrible. He knew he had hurt her feelings. I also told her that Roberto is just like that. I said, “Have you ever noticed that he never turns you away or gets impatient when you hug him? It’s because he likes hugs too.” I told her how he is always saying to me, “Can I get a hug?” I told her that it’s good to have people like that in our lives who remind us to slow down and hug. I don’t want her to stop. She went up to Roberto, who was on the computer in our room. She told him what I had said about him and he agreed. He said he likes to hug and always likes getting her hugs.
I baked banana bread, wheat bread and cookies. I told Emeli that if she is worried that we are going hungry for her to look in the freezer and see all the bread and cookies I have baked. I told her to look in the cupboards and see all the cans of food. I told her we have meat in the freezer and we have food for the week. I know she probably went downstairs right after we spoke and looked in the fridge, freezer and cupboards. She is such a worrier and it really bothers me. She worries way too much for someone her age. I wish I could shield her from that.
I just got a text from Fred. He is speaking on Mother's Day and wants the kids to hear him speak. He wants to bring the kids by my house after that on Sunday. I told him no. I'm sure we are going to have drama from that. I don't care if he is speaking. It's Mother's Day. I spoke on Easter Sunday and they weren't there for that because they were at his house, so he'll be okay. But I expect drama from that...grrr.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Saturday
I have not written for a while. Partly because life has been a little hard and I haven't wanted to write about it.
Freddy arrived two weeks ago and that has been mixed. I love having him around, but he is adding an element of drama I could do without. Last weekend Emeli found out that he has been smoking weed. That was not good. It really upset her. She was convinced that Freddy could die. Freddy wanted me to convince her that smoking weed is okay and that he will be fine. I told him he put me in a very awkward position. I have never believed in illegal drugs. I have taught my children to be smarter than that. No matter how safe Freddy believes weed is, it's still a drug. Drugs are unpredictable. You can't ever say that a drug is safe, even prescription drugs. That was a whole lot of drama we didn't need.
Thank goodness for Roberto. He has a very strong belief system. He is my strength. When he speaks to the kids about things, he uses a calm, soft voice. He doesn't judge. He just states facts. He doesn't use guilt to teach, unlike their dad. They appreciate that and so do I.
Then, after a dramatic Sunday evening, I had a terrible work week. My boss is abusive and a bully. On Monday, he sat me in his office and told me that if I do another mistake on PO orders, I will be written up. I understand that. We created some procedural check lists so that I could make sure the PO's are more accurate. The problem is that most of my mistakes are because he sends me faulty PO's, but I can't bring that up because he denies that. Oh well. So I accepted that I could get written up. I was quiet after that because I was very upset with myself. On Wednesday, I was talking with the two guys who make campaign calls. From his office, my boss was literally yelling at me. At one time, as I was asking one of the guys a question, Rick yelled, "Judi, are you listening to me?!" and then he berated me in front of everyone in the office. I just stood there. I walked into their cubicle with my back to my boss while he was yelling. I stared straight ahead and had a very stoney look on my face. One of the guys saw my expression and I could tell he felt sorry for me. I just took his abuse. He came to my desk about half an hour later and tapped me on the shoulder and half heartedly apologized for treating me the way he had. He said he did that mostly because he needed to let the guys know how angry he was with them. He said, "You understand, don't you?" I didn't answer back. I wanted to say, "Don't touch me." Later that day, he found a PO that one of our sales guys had failed to ask to be processed. He proceeded to blame me for that, too. So he yelled at me again. By now, I was only speaking to him when I had to and answering him with yes or no. He knew I was pissed. He went and spoke to Heather in her office very quietly. She told me later that she had told him that she doesn't know why I take his abuse, but she wouldn't. He called me later, on his way home, and told me he wanted to talk to me the next day about his behavior and how he knew he was an ass. I told him that would be fine.
I came home from work upset and crying. I called Roberto at his work and literally just bawled into the phone. He knew about how the beginning of the week had been kind of building up to this. He told me he was ready to go in there and take my boss down a peg or two. He told me he would be home soon and he would help me feel better. I was very nervous about the next day. I knew Rick would try and justify his behavior.
Roberto told me that if I ever feel that abused again, I have his permission to walk. He said I can call him and he will come pick me up and help me pack my desk and then he will have a talk with Rick. So now, armed with that, I can tell my boss to go to hell and I will. As it turns out, on Thursday, he never had that talk with me. He was out of the office most of the day. Roberto kept calling me to see if we had spoken yet. When I told him my boss had left the office and wasn't coming back in, he called him a huge chicken. I completely blew him off whenever he tried to talk to me or joke with me. I would just give him my deadpan look and he knew he was on my hit list. By Friday, he still hadn't spoken with me, but he was being very nice to me. We had a staff meeting and he made a point of saying, "If Judi left, I would not be able to do PO's." I wanted to say, "Yeah, so watch your step, jerk." Both Thursday and Friday morning, Roberto came into my office to visit me, just to let Rick know that he is there for me and knows. On Thursday, he came into my cubicle and hugged me and loudly said, "You okay?"
Roberto held me on Wednesday night and told me that I should never fear my boss. He said no money is worth the abuse I have put up with and he won't allow it. He said, "I don't talk to you that way and he certainly won't." He told me the next time Rick is like that, I can walk right off the job. So I will. Plus, I will file a complaint.
As soon as Roberto is making good money selling at his work, I will quit and teach piano for extra income. Plus, I am also going to try and find a part time job that doesn't take me away from home so much. That will be nice. Until then, I can stay there. Hopefully my boss can behave and I don't have to walk away.
Freddy arrived two weeks ago and that has been mixed. I love having him around, but he is adding an element of drama I could do without. Last weekend Emeli found out that he has been smoking weed. That was not good. It really upset her. She was convinced that Freddy could die. Freddy wanted me to convince her that smoking weed is okay and that he will be fine. I told him he put me in a very awkward position. I have never believed in illegal drugs. I have taught my children to be smarter than that. No matter how safe Freddy believes weed is, it's still a drug. Drugs are unpredictable. You can't ever say that a drug is safe, even prescription drugs. That was a whole lot of drama we didn't need.
Thank goodness for Roberto. He has a very strong belief system. He is my strength. When he speaks to the kids about things, he uses a calm, soft voice. He doesn't judge. He just states facts. He doesn't use guilt to teach, unlike their dad. They appreciate that and so do I.
Then, after a dramatic Sunday evening, I had a terrible work week. My boss is abusive and a bully. On Monday, he sat me in his office and told me that if I do another mistake on PO orders, I will be written up. I understand that. We created some procedural check lists so that I could make sure the PO's are more accurate. The problem is that most of my mistakes are because he sends me faulty PO's, but I can't bring that up because he denies that. Oh well. So I accepted that I could get written up. I was quiet after that because I was very upset with myself. On Wednesday, I was talking with the two guys who make campaign calls. From his office, my boss was literally yelling at me. At one time, as I was asking one of the guys a question, Rick yelled, "Judi, are you listening to me?!" and then he berated me in front of everyone in the office. I just stood there. I walked into their cubicle with my back to my boss while he was yelling. I stared straight ahead and had a very stoney look on my face. One of the guys saw my expression and I could tell he felt sorry for me. I just took his abuse. He came to my desk about half an hour later and tapped me on the shoulder and half heartedly apologized for treating me the way he had. He said he did that mostly because he needed to let the guys know how angry he was with them. He said, "You understand, don't you?" I didn't answer back. I wanted to say, "Don't touch me." Later that day, he found a PO that one of our sales guys had failed to ask to be processed. He proceeded to blame me for that, too. So he yelled at me again. By now, I was only speaking to him when I had to and answering him with yes or no. He knew I was pissed. He went and spoke to Heather in her office very quietly. She told me later that she had told him that she doesn't know why I take his abuse, but she wouldn't. He called me later, on his way home, and told me he wanted to talk to me the next day about his behavior and how he knew he was an ass. I told him that would be fine.
I came home from work upset and crying. I called Roberto at his work and literally just bawled into the phone. He knew about how the beginning of the week had been kind of building up to this. He told me he was ready to go in there and take my boss down a peg or two. He told me he would be home soon and he would help me feel better. I was very nervous about the next day. I knew Rick would try and justify his behavior.
Roberto told me that if I ever feel that abused again, I have his permission to walk. He said I can call him and he will come pick me up and help me pack my desk and then he will have a talk with Rick. So now, armed with that, I can tell my boss to go to hell and I will. As it turns out, on Thursday, he never had that talk with me. He was out of the office most of the day. Roberto kept calling me to see if we had spoken yet. When I told him my boss had left the office and wasn't coming back in, he called him a huge chicken. I completely blew him off whenever he tried to talk to me or joke with me. I would just give him my deadpan look and he knew he was on my hit list. By Friday, he still hadn't spoken with me, but he was being very nice to me. We had a staff meeting and he made a point of saying, "If Judi left, I would not be able to do PO's." I wanted to say, "Yeah, so watch your step, jerk." Both Thursday and Friday morning, Roberto came into my office to visit me, just to let Rick know that he is there for me and knows. On Thursday, he came into my cubicle and hugged me and loudly said, "You okay?"
Roberto held me on Wednesday night and told me that I should never fear my boss. He said no money is worth the abuse I have put up with and he won't allow it. He said, "I don't talk to you that way and he certainly won't." He told me the next time Rick is like that, I can walk right off the job. So I will. Plus, I will file a complaint.
As soon as Roberto is making good money selling at his work, I will quit and teach piano for extra income. Plus, I am also going to try and find a part time job that doesn't take me away from home so much. That will be nice. Until then, I can stay there. Hopefully my boss can behave and I don't have to walk away.
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