Yesterday we went to a memorial service for a close friend of Roberto's, James "Sparky" Howden. He has known the Howden's since he was 13 years old in South Africa. Almost all their family has moved to America, except for one son who still lives there. They had four boys and a girl. It was interesting to listen to each child describe his feelings for their dad. I only knew him briefly, but from what I saw, he was a very positive man who cared about people. His children described him as a firm, but loving father. He dedicated his life to serving others. He had a very sad childhood, which brought tears to my eyes, just imagining that a child had to endure something so sad. His father passed away when he was young, so his mother had to raise him and his siblings alone. She was unable to do that, so the children were all put into orphanages. The mother died two years later. I was very affected by that. Roberto sat very close, with me holding his hands tightly. I knew he would have a very hard time at this service. He really loved Sparky.
The thing that impressed me the most was what Sparky accomplished in his lifetime and how he was described by his children. It made me think about what will be said when I am gone and what I have accomplished. Funerals are always a time for reflection on what it will be like when we face God and account for all the things we have done. That is always very sobering.
I know I am not as spiritual as I used to be and that worries me. I need to be more actively involved in my ward and reading my scriptures and personal prayer. As I sat in Sacrament Meeting today, alone, because the kids are with their dad and Roberto was at work. I sat there, looking around feeling so bitter. I don't feel close to anyone in this ward, I still can't take the sacrament (which is my own fault) and when someone came to offer me the bread and water, I had to shake my head. I always sit in the way back when I'm alone and have to shake my head like that. I don't want anyone to see that. But I'm sure many people have noticed.
I still have so much anger over my divorce. Sometimes it almost chokes me with the intensity of it. Today was one of those times. I look around at families sitting there and I wonder if they will make it. I worked my hardest trying to raise my children and to be the best wife I could be. I was no different than any of those families and yet some of those women judge me. I often wonder what many of those women would do if they were in the same situation I was placed in.
I came home and I called Roberto at work and told him my feelings. He knows I have anger issues and often tells me to just let it go. He listened to me and tells me he misses me while he is at work. Many times he just opens up his arms and says, "Come here..." and he holds me.
I went by Mom's tonight for dinner. We had roast beef with veggies. It was a nice meal. When the kids and I were living with her, she would always have dinner ready when I got home from work. That was the nicest thing. That was one less thing I had to worry about. We talked about the kids, Roberto and our plans for Christmas. Going there brings back memories of Dad. There are little reminders of him all over the house. Sometimes it's really painful. I borrowed a bunch of CD's of his so I could download his music. On his birthday this year, I played his music all day. That was really nice. I hear those old songs and they make me smile because they remind me of when I was young and he would play his music loud enough that you could hear it wherever you were in the house. You could even hear it outside as well!! When these songs play, I know the words and sing along. It brings back warm feelings of being young and safe. I haven't felt safe like that for many years. Being with Roberto, I finally feel safe again. He makes smart decisions and he thinks like Dad. He takes care of the kids and I. I feel protected again. I am grateful for that.
This week is going to be so nice to be with all my children again. I have missed that so much. It will be nice to have them all at the table, talking and laughing again. I will take lots of pictures so I can keep the memories alive.
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