On Monday afternoon, Roberto's boss called him up and left a message on his voice mail letting him know that he was being laid off. Wow. What a way to tell someone. Roberto was kind of expecting it, but it still hurt. The thing that hurt the most was that they kept on five part timers who had been there less time than Roberto. That hurt. However, we have since thought it is probably a blessing in disguise. He was working a job with crappy hours. He worked every single weekend at nights and most Sundays, so he was unable to go to church. Now he can go to church again. Plus, he was not sure he wanted to work in the unit he was working in, anyways. There was a lot of political crap going on and he was not enjoying work as much. So Roberto applied for unemployment and found out he will be making more on unemployment than he was making working. What is up with that?! No wonder people stay on unemployment forever. So he is looking for jobs and is super frustrated. He hates being inactive and unemployed. It's driving him crazy. Every day I can sense him getting more and more frustrated. I don't blame him. When I was looking for a job, I felt the same. We are grateful that he has unemployment, though, because he can take his time looking for a job and not grab the first thing he can find. He will be a little picky and wait for something that has good hours (with weekends off, hopefully), good pay and benefits. We don't have insurance right now and that's kind of scary.
My job is secure. I am blessed about that. We are going to be super busy in June, July and August. We just fired someone last week. That was not very good. She was lying about her hours on her time sheets. This pay period, she stole 10 hours. She was saying she came into the office at 7am, yet when my boss got the report on when her card key went through the locked doors, it said she arrived at 8am. Wow. I don't get how people can do that. The other amazing thing is that she posted on her facebook status..."I already have an awesome interview lined up. Thank goodness for paying tithing." Yeah, whatever. Roberto told me about that and said, "Does she pay tithing on her stolen hours as well?" Whatever. I'm just amazed. So we hired a new girl, Tiffine, who started on Thursday. She is from Michigan and is not a member of the church and has been completely baffled by the whole Mormon culture. So my boss explained everything to her in a very anti-Mormon way. It really offended me, but I kept my mouth shut. I wasn't going to correct him because he would just be a complete jerk to me. Later, she said "He's so mean to you." I said, "Yes, he is. All day. Every day. But I give it back to him." She said, "If this was a playground, I would say it's because he likes you." I laughed and said, "Yeah, he is just like a fifth grader at times." Jerk.
We have the kids this weekend. That is always nice. Emeli spent the night at Alandra's house. Then they went to an Achievement Day activity. She came back with a bag of goodies, including two Hostess cupcakes. My favorite. I let Roberto have a bite of the one Emeli gave me. He didn't like it. I just said, "More for me..." We washed and vacuumed the car as a family today. It needed it so badly!! Then we took Emeli to Dairy Queen for a treat. Her grades were amazing. I am so proud of her, so we took her to DQ. What a zoo. There were only three people running the whole place. The drive thru was busy and the inside was, too. We waited for ten minutes for our food and then they got mine and Roberto's orders wrong. But I wasn't about to complain and have it take another ten minutes. As we were leaving, a guy said to me, "So you finally got your food after a ten minute wait?" I laughed and said, "Yeah, but I was supposed to get a dipped cone" and I held up my sundae. We both laughed.
Last night Roberto and I went on a fun date. We went to Burger King for dinner and then drove up the Provo Canyon and ended up at Bridal Veil Falls Park. Roberto had brought along the game Trouble. So we walked the trail until we found a nice place to lay the blanket and we played Trouble. He beat me twice and then I finally beat him. We walked along the trail enjoying the gorgeous weather. It was so nice. Then we went to a gas station to go to the bathroom. While I was in the bathroom, Roberto bought Rolo's. He ate all of them but two. Rude. We went to Target to get some ibuprofen and bought some yummy chocolate. Roberto has a terrible sweet tooth...haha!!
Next week we go up to Logan for Zoe's birthday party. The kids will be with us for that and then we drop them off at Fred's afterwards. Then we have the whole weekend together. That will be nice. I always love weekends with Roberto.
Last weekend was really nice. We slept in, which I really enjoy because I get up so early every day. We drove out to Saratoga Springs and looked around. It's really pretty out there. I had told Roberto I was going to surprise him with a date in Salt Lake City. He had to wear church clothes. I had told Rachelle about it and she had told Roberto and he said, "So Rachelle knows where we are going and I don't?" But I know he secretly liked that. We drove to Temple Square, after changing our clothes at the local Artic Circle (gross food!). I was taking him to a free concert. It was really good. It only lasted an hour, which was short and sweet. We enjoyed that a lot. Saturday was such a nice day together. We had a really good time. It really brought us closer.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Monday March 9, 2009
Yesterday was not a good day. Roberto was supposed to work a double shift from 7am until 9pm at night. We were excited because that meant more hours. Emeli wouldn't go to church with me because she didn't feel like it. So I went alone. I was sitting there listening to the speaker, missing Roberto, thinking about how long it has been since I have sat with him during church. He always has to work on Sundays. I looked up to see him standing there in the doorway, looking for me. I waved a little wave to him. He saw me and came to sit next to me. They had sent him home at 10:00. So he sat next to me until sacrament meeting was over. It was so nice to sit next to him, but at the same time I knew we would be less that amount of money. He was in his work clothes and as he walked in, a lady stared him up and down as if she was thinking that he was not dressed appropriately. Whatever. We went home after sacrament meeting. When we got home, Roberto told Emeli that until she is sixteen, she will go to church with us. She is not allowed to miss church just because she doesn't feel like it. She agreed. I went back for Relief Society and Emeli came with me and went to Primary.
After Relief Society, the Bishop saw me. He pulled me in his office and asked me how we are doing. I told him that Roberto has been limited to one shift a week now and that we really need some help with food. He was very hesitant and told me that he would really like to see us be self sufficient. We have received food from him two other times. This time we were really desperate because we were down to our last gallon of milk and needed other things as well. He told me he would like to have a meeting with us to discuss this. He would talk to the Relief Society president. I walked out feeling completely humiliated. If it were just Roberto and I, I would go hungry, but I can't stand by and let my children go hungry. So I begged and it was degrading.
The day went by with no word from the Relief Society president. Roberto was able to go to his one shift he is supposed to work from 2pm until 9pm. All afternoon he kept calling to see if the Relief Society president had called me. I told him she hadn't. I kept wondering if maybe the Bishop just didn't talk to her. Finally, at 8:45, Roberto called me and said I needed to call the Relief Society president to see if she had spoken with the bishop. I was embarrassed to do that, but I also knew we needed milk and the kids needed food. Like I said before, if it were just me, I would go hungry rather than call. I called her and she said, "Yes, the bishop has spoken to me and I completely forgot!" I wanted to yell at her. This was not a tiny thing to me. We need the food and for her to forget was inexcusable, in my opinion. She came over at 9:00 and I got the food order from her. It's a good thing she came and left before Roberto arrived home from work because he probably would have said something to her.
This Relief Society president has said a couple of things to me that make me very hesitant to ask for too much. The first time she came by, she kind of hinted that I was asking for too much meat. The second time she said, "Now, remember, this is only supposed to last for two weeks." To me, that is very humiliating. This time she asked if my husband was looking for another job. I wanted to say, "No, he is playing Nintendo all day." I hate asking for food as it is and to be told in hinting that I am asking for too much or to be treated like an idiot is just plain embarrassing. In comparison, when I was in Seattle, the Relief Society president used to call me every two weeks to the day and she would press food on me. She knew I had four children to feed and that I was really struggling. My bishop gave me a voucher for $300 worth of clothes for the kids, he paid my utility bills. I am not asking for that kind of help. I just needed a few things and we would be okay.
That afternoon, I was telling Brett and Emeli about how we had to get a food order and how I felt like I had to beg for it. Brett just sat there quietly. Then he said, "You know, the next time Dad takes us out for an expensive dinner, I am not going to eat. I will tell him to put the money I would have spent on dinner towards child support." Emeli agreed with him. I just sat there amazed. Then he told me how Fred and Cozette went out for dinner the other night. Brett asked them why they didn't take them along and Cozette said, "Surely your mom takes you there, right?" He was so angry at that. He wanted to answer, "No, she can't afford it because Dad doesn't pay enough child support." But he kept quiet. He told me it bothered him a lot.
Last night Roberto told me that he goes to bed hungry at nights sometimes because he doesn't want to eat food that the kids could eat. When he told me that, I just started crying. So many emotions were going through my head. I am amazed that he sacrifices for my children to that extent, that he works his butt off trying to support us and that he takes his role as patriarch so seriously. I feel so blessed to have a husband who is that caring and would go hungry so that the kids can eat. That just amazes me. Even now, I am crying as I think about it.
I was kind of emotional at work today. I am still a little amazed at Roberto's sacrifice and how I had to beg for food. I know the gospel is true, I just struggle with the people at times.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Saturday March 7
Monday is Freddy's birthday. He will be twenty years old and I can't believe I have two children in their twenties. How did that happen?! I don't feel much older than 20, myself!
I went out to lunch with Michelle Lunt. We met at Olive Garden in American Fork. It was so nice to catch up with her. There are some friends you have that it doesn't matter how long it has been since you have seen them. The moment you see them again, it's like you never were apart and you take up right where you left off. Michelle is one of those friends. So is Karen Carpenter. Emeli wanted to come with me, but I told her that it was a girl's lunch. Emeli held up her arms and said, "Hello...I'm a girl." I said, "Oh, okay, this is a woman's lunch..."
I have so many memories of Michelle Lunt. I have known Michelle for 25 years. We met at Rick's College in my freshman, her sophomore year. We were married within a year of each other and our first two boys are the same age. We used to get together all the time when they were young. Michelle is the best friend I have ever had. We had so many good times together. I could fill an entire blog talking about the things we did together and all the things we have shared. I will always be grateful for Michelle's friendship.
So on Tuesday night, Roberto showed up for work. He had managed to find some hours at work on other units. He was there for an hour when he got a call from one of the directors. They told him they didn't need him. He was very frustrated and discouraged by that. He was supposed to work Thursday night and Friday morning. On Thursday, he found out they didn't need him for those shifts, either. Now he is looking for another job in earnest. Friday night he got a call from them and was asked if he could come in on Saturday from 7am until 9pm. We were excited because that's more hours than he was planning. So he works on Sunday as well. So he has three shifts this week and only needs to find two more, if he can. He is very discouraged by that. But then I reminded him that when I was looking for a job between working at Evans Construction and Novacoast, I was not working for two weeks. We were without a paycheck. At least we have some money coming in.
Last night Mom, Barbi and Ryan went to the temple to do more temple work for Dad and other ancestors. As Ryan was receiving the priesthood for Dad, he looked up at the man doing the ordination and noticed that his name was also Richard Arnold. Richard Arnold told Ryan he often sees things like this happen in the temple. We were comforted by this, knowing that Dad has probably accepted the gospel. This is very exciting to all of us.
I went out to lunch with Michelle Lunt. We met at Olive Garden in American Fork. It was so nice to catch up with her. There are some friends you have that it doesn't matter how long it has been since you have seen them. The moment you see them again, it's like you never were apart and you take up right where you left off. Michelle is one of those friends. So is Karen Carpenter. Emeli wanted to come with me, but I told her that it was a girl's lunch. Emeli held up her arms and said, "Hello...I'm a girl." I said, "Oh, okay, this is a woman's lunch..."
I have so many memories of Michelle Lunt. I have known Michelle for 25 years. We met at Rick's College in my freshman, her sophomore year. We were married within a year of each other and our first two boys are the same age. We used to get together all the time when they were young. Michelle is the best friend I have ever had. We had so many good times together. I could fill an entire blog talking about the things we did together and all the things we have shared. I will always be grateful for Michelle's friendship.
So on Tuesday night, Roberto showed up for work. He had managed to find some hours at work on other units. He was there for an hour when he got a call from one of the directors. They told him they didn't need him. He was very frustrated and discouraged by that. He was supposed to work Thursday night and Friday morning. On Thursday, he found out they didn't need him for those shifts, either. Now he is looking for another job in earnest. Friday night he got a call from them and was asked if he could come in on Saturday from 7am until 9pm. We were excited because that's more hours than he was planning. So he works on Sunday as well. So he has three shifts this week and only needs to find two more, if he can. He is very discouraged by that. But then I reminded him that when I was looking for a job between working at Evans Construction and Novacoast, I was not working for two weeks. We were without a paycheck. At least we have some money coming in.
Last night Mom, Barbi and Ryan went to the temple to do more temple work for Dad and other ancestors. As Ryan was receiving the priesthood for Dad, he looked up at the man doing the ordination and noticed that his name was also Richard Arnold. Richard Arnold told Ryan he often sees things like this happen in the temple. We were comforted by this, knowing that Dad has probably accepted the gospel. This is very exciting to all of us.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
March 4 Wednesday
On Monday night, during FHE, Roberto got a call from work. They told him they would be cutting his hours back from 40 to 8. That hit him hard. He took it bravely, but I could tell as FHE progressed, he was getting more and more quiet. On Friday night, they had laid off about five full time employees, so Roberto was expecting something. But this took him by surprise because it was so quick after the lay offs. After FHE, we went upstairs and Roberto got on the computer and started looking for jobs immediately. I helped him write a Cover Letter and he started sending out his resume and cover letters to anyone he could.
He found a couple of call centers he could work at until he either found a better job or he could get more shifts at Slate Canyon (where he works now). That is one thing I admire about Roberto. He is very serious about providing for his family. He would do anything, no matter how menial, to bring in money to support us. There are a couple of leads he is following. One of them is being a bank vault security officer. That would require him to carry a gun...yikes. The other one is doing pest control. That would pay well, plus there is commission and benefits. We are hoping he can get something with benefits.
It is a hard time to be out of work because the jobs are pretty scarce and companies are either cutting back or laying off. It's scary out there.
Yesterday he went to a few interviews. He also went into work last night and picked up more shifts in other units at Slate Canyon. That is a relief. But they could cut one of his shifts at any time if they don't have enough kids there. They cut his shift for tonight. That means I need to do more overtime. Thank goodness my boss owes me for some commission he didn't pay me last month. So he is giving me free hours of overtime to make up for it.
Now Roberto is sick and I feel like I will probably get it by the weekend...grrr. The kids will be with Fred, so I will probably just lay around the house and do nothing all weekend. I hate weekends like that. I like to get things done. But everyone around me is sick and I'm sure my number is up. I've been lucky so far. I haven't been really sick for a while.
I tell Roberto that the Lord hasn't let us down yet, so we will be okay with the cutting of his hours. But it's still worrisome. I am grateful to be married to someone who wants to work and doesn't look at this like an opportunity to sit around the house and do nothing. He is online all day long looking for work. He is out doing interviews. I am grateful for that.
He found a couple of call centers he could work at until he either found a better job or he could get more shifts at Slate Canyon (where he works now). That is one thing I admire about Roberto. He is very serious about providing for his family. He would do anything, no matter how menial, to bring in money to support us. There are a couple of leads he is following. One of them is being a bank vault security officer. That would require him to carry a gun...yikes. The other one is doing pest control. That would pay well, plus there is commission and benefits. We are hoping he can get something with benefits.
It is a hard time to be out of work because the jobs are pretty scarce and companies are either cutting back or laying off. It's scary out there.
Yesterday he went to a few interviews. He also went into work last night and picked up more shifts in other units at Slate Canyon. That is a relief. But they could cut one of his shifts at any time if they don't have enough kids there. They cut his shift for tonight. That means I need to do more overtime. Thank goodness my boss owes me for some commission he didn't pay me last month. So he is giving me free hours of overtime to make up for it.
Now Roberto is sick and I feel like I will probably get it by the weekend...grrr. The kids will be with Fred, so I will probably just lay around the house and do nothing all weekend. I hate weekends like that. I like to get things done. But everyone around me is sick and I'm sure my number is up. I've been lucky so far. I haven't been really sick for a while.
I tell Roberto that the Lord hasn't let us down yet, so we will be okay with the cutting of his hours. But it's still worrisome. I am grateful to be married to someone who wants to work and doesn't look at this like an opportunity to sit around the house and do nothing. He is online all day long looking for work. He is out doing interviews. I am grateful for that.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Temple Work
Yesterday Barbi, Ryan, Barbi's kids and Mom went to the Timpanogas Temple to do baptisms for the dead. One of the people they were doing work for was Dad. He has been dead for 2 1/2 years and it is overdue for him to get his work done.
While Barbi was there, she felt Dad's presence three times. The first time was when she was walking down the stairs towards the baptistry. She felt like she walked right through him. She had an overwhelming feeling of his presence. She hadn't even thought about the possibility of feeling him there when she was walking downstairs. So it took her by surprise. The next time she felt him was when she was watching the baptisms. She felt like he sat down next to her with his arm behind her. She felt like he was telling her, "Be nice to your mother. Be nicer to her." When Barbi told me that, I knew that was my dad talking. He always demanded respect for my mother. If he ever caught us back talking her, we would be in so much trouble. One time we were walking though a house with a real estate agent. My mom had said something and I flippantly corrected her in front of the agent. I was walking behind her, feeling pretty smart. My dad hung back, stepped behind me and smacked me hard on the butt and quietly said, "Don't ever correct your mother like that again in front of someone." That put me in my place! The last time Barbi felt Dad, she was standing and watching something and he came up beside her and said,"What took you so long?" He was joking with her because we used to always tell him that the second he died, we would have his name in the temple waiting for the day we could baptize him. I am so glad he was there. Barbi felt like he was happy and I feel pretty sure he accepted the gospel.
I was telling Barbi that every once in a while I can feel him near me. I especially feel him around me on the weekends when the kids are with their dad and Roberto is at work. It's like he knows I'm a little lonely and I'm least distracted and will feel his presence more then. It's not a scary feeling. It's just a quiet assurance that he's there and aware of me. There are times I really miss him. I just wish I could call him up on the phone and hear his voice and hear his laughter. I loved his laugh and I loved it when he would laugh at something I said.
I am grateful I had a loving father like that. He had his faults. But he was a good man and a good father to me.
I have noticed that Roberto and his daughter, Rachelle, seem to have the same kind of relationship I had with Dad. She calls him a lot to talk about things. They are very close. She teases him mercilessly and it's hilarious. The two of them can banter like Dad and I would. I love watching them because it reminds me of Dad and I. I'm glad Roberto has that kind of relationship with Rachelle.
While Barbi was there, she felt Dad's presence three times. The first time was when she was walking down the stairs towards the baptistry. She felt like she walked right through him. She had an overwhelming feeling of his presence. She hadn't even thought about the possibility of feeling him there when she was walking downstairs. So it took her by surprise. The next time she felt him was when she was watching the baptisms. She felt like he sat down next to her with his arm behind her. She felt like he was telling her, "Be nice to your mother. Be nicer to her." When Barbi told me that, I knew that was my dad talking. He always demanded respect for my mother. If he ever caught us back talking her, we would be in so much trouble. One time we were walking though a house with a real estate agent. My mom had said something and I flippantly corrected her in front of the agent. I was walking behind her, feeling pretty smart. My dad hung back, stepped behind me and smacked me hard on the butt and quietly said, "Don't ever correct your mother like that again in front of someone." That put me in my place! The last time Barbi felt Dad, she was standing and watching something and he came up beside her and said,"What took you so long?" He was joking with her because we used to always tell him that the second he died, we would have his name in the temple waiting for the day we could baptize him. I am so glad he was there. Barbi felt like he was happy and I feel pretty sure he accepted the gospel.
I was telling Barbi that every once in a while I can feel him near me. I especially feel him around me on the weekends when the kids are with their dad and Roberto is at work. It's like he knows I'm a little lonely and I'm least distracted and will feel his presence more then. It's not a scary feeling. It's just a quiet assurance that he's there and aware of me. There are times I really miss him. I just wish I could call him up on the phone and hear his voice and hear his laughter. I loved his laugh and I loved it when he would laugh at something I said.
I am grateful I had a loving father like that. He had his faults. But he was a good man and a good father to me.
I have noticed that Roberto and his daughter, Rachelle, seem to have the same kind of relationship I had with Dad. She calls him a lot to talk about things. They are very close. She teases him mercilessly and it's hilarious. The two of them can banter like Dad and I would. I love watching them because it reminds me of Dad and I. I'm glad Roberto has that kind of relationship with Rachelle.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Wednesday
I don't have a lot to say, I guess. But I also feel like I need to let everyone know how we're doing.
Brett is cleaning his room right now. This morning we woke to him and Emeli bickering right outside our bedroom door. Brett had misplaced his key and he gets home from school before Emeli, so he wanted to borrow her key. Emeli is particularly careful with her key because it took her almost a year to get one. She had to prove she was responsible before Roberto would trust her with a key to the house. We live in the kind of neighborhood where we don't really trust our neighbors. So Emeli was very reluctant to let Brett have her key. After much banging and yelling, I finally got involved. I went out into the hallway and told Emeli she would let Brett use the key. She was ready to go head to head with me on it. I simply said in a very low growl, "Let him use the key or you are SO grounded." Emeli is very social with the girls in our neighborhood, so she knew grounding meant not playing outside after school. She let him use her key. Not only that, she recognized the low growl. About two or three nights a week, Brett cooks dinner. It's awesome. On the nights that Roberto doesn't cook dinner, Brett does. I will leave something out with instructions and Brett will do it. Tonight he made rolls. He makes awesome rolls with this recipe I have. We sit around the dinner sighing over how yummy they are.
Emeli is slimming down. Every day I look at her and see her develping hips and a shape. She is getting taller. We went to the Draper temple open house yesterday and she was wearing heels. Suddenly she looked like a young woman. I just kept staring at her while we were walking through the temple. I used to worry about her weight. I worried that she would get very heavy as a teenager and have issues from that. But she is becoming very pretty and mature looking. I'm mixed on my feelings about that. I love to see her blossoming, but I hate to see her grow up. My children are all growing up and going away! I don't like that.
I long for the days when they were little and all about me. I loved driving with them, running errands and talking and laughing and listening to music in the car. I loved dinner time with us all sitting around the table. I loved making dinner and hearing Taylor's music from the front room when the computer was in the front room. I loved hearing Taylor playing the guitar, hearing Freddy sifting through legos in his room, seeing the kids running in and out of the front and back yard. I loved hearing them on the trampoline in the summer. I miss those days of holding them and snuggling them when we watched movies. I remember Freddy saying, "Hold you me, Mom!" as he held his arms in the air. I remember Taylor sleeping in our bed, holding my hand as he fell asleep. I loved taking naps with Brett when I was pregnant with Emeli. I loved holding Emeli every night as I fed her her bottle and gently put her down in her crib. I miss those times. I just wish I had appreciated them more. I was always in such a rush and always trying to get things done so I didn't really sit and enjoy the moment.
Now my life is totally different. I work all day. I come home and I have missed the afternoon with the kids. I don't get to greet them when they come home. But I also know they are okay. If I had to rush home, I have the kind of boss who would let me go at a moment's notice for my kids. That's a good thing. I am very blessed in that respect. And, I am a six minute drive away.
Tonight I was leaving work and Heather said, "Come in and sit down in Rick's office and talk with us." I said,"No, I have kids home alone tonight so I need get home." Rick nodded because he understood but he also said, "No, that's the time you go shopping at the mall!" I don't like to stay at work any longer than I need to. I have a wonderful family to get home to. I like to be home with them. I miss them. I enjoy the joking and the fun of getting dinner ready. I especially love it when Roberto cooks. He is a good cook and he is very possessive of the kitchen when he cooks. He won't let me help him. I am only allowed to make a vegetable or set the table. He's so funny. Brett will stand by and talk with us. I know he likes to be with us. He really enjoys Roberto's sense of humor, too. The two of them will tease me the whole time. I love those moments. We are very happy here.
Brett is cleaning his room right now. This morning we woke to him and Emeli bickering right outside our bedroom door. Brett had misplaced his key and he gets home from school before Emeli, so he wanted to borrow her key. Emeli is particularly careful with her key because it took her almost a year to get one. She had to prove she was responsible before Roberto would trust her with a key to the house. We live in the kind of neighborhood where we don't really trust our neighbors. So Emeli was very reluctant to let Brett have her key. After much banging and yelling, I finally got involved. I went out into the hallway and told Emeli she would let Brett use the key. She was ready to go head to head with me on it. I simply said in a very low growl, "Let him use the key or you are SO grounded." Emeli is very social with the girls in our neighborhood, so she knew grounding meant not playing outside after school. She let him use her key. Not only that, she recognized the low growl. About two or three nights a week, Brett cooks dinner. It's awesome. On the nights that Roberto doesn't cook dinner, Brett does. I will leave something out with instructions and Brett will do it. Tonight he made rolls. He makes awesome rolls with this recipe I have. We sit around the dinner sighing over how yummy they are.
Emeli is slimming down. Every day I look at her and see her develping hips and a shape. She is getting taller. We went to the Draper temple open house yesterday and she was wearing heels. Suddenly she looked like a young woman. I just kept staring at her while we were walking through the temple. I used to worry about her weight. I worried that she would get very heavy as a teenager and have issues from that. But she is becoming very pretty and mature looking. I'm mixed on my feelings about that. I love to see her blossoming, but I hate to see her grow up. My children are all growing up and going away! I don't like that.
I long for the days when they were little and all about me. I loved driving with them, running errands and talking and laughing and listening to music in the car. I loved dinner time with us all sitting around the table. I loved making dinner and hearing Taylor's music from the front room when the computer was in the front room. I loved hearing Taylor playing the guitar, hearing Freddy sifting through legos in his room, seeing the kids running in and out of the front and back yard. I loved hearing them on the trampoline in the summer. I miss those days of holding them and snuggling them when we watched movies. I remember Freddy saying, "Hold you me, Mom!" as he held his arms in the air. I remember Taylor sleeping in our bed, holding my hand as he fell asleep. I loved taking naps with Brett when I was pregnant with Emeli. I loved holding Emeli every night as I fed her her bottle and gently put her down in her crib. I miss those times. I just wish I had appreciated them more. I was always in such a rush and always trying to get things done so I didn't really sit and enjoy the moment.
Now my life is totally different. I work all day. I come home and I have missed the afternoon with the kids. I don't get to greet them when they come home. But I also know they are okay. If I had to rush home, I have the kind of boss who would let me go at a moment's notice for my kids. That's a good thing. I am very blessed in that respect. And, I am a six minute drive away.
Tonight I was leaving work and Heather said, "Come in and sit down in Rick's office and talk with us." I said,"No, I have kids home alone tonight so I need get home." Rick nodded because he understood but he also said, "No, that's the time you go shopping at the mall!" I don't like to stay at work any longer than I need to. I have a wonderful family to get home to. I like to be home with them. I miss them. I enjoy the joking and the fun of getting dinner ready. I especially love it when Roberto cooks. He is a good cook and he is very possessive of the kitchen when he cooks. He won't let me help him. I am only allowed to make a vegetable or set the table. He's so funny. Brett will stand by and talk with us. I know he likes to be with us. He really enjoys Roberto's sense of humor, too. The two of them will tease me the whole time. I love those moments. We are very happy here.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
In contrast...
Last weekend was wonderful and this one has been pretty crappy. I expected it, so I'm not too surprised. I started my period on Thursday night. By Friday morning, I was miserable, but I had to go to work. I don't have any sick time and I need the hours. I endured most of the day. I just moved very slowly. We had a work lunch at Costa Vida, which was good, but I was not really able to enjoy my meal. Heather sat next to me and said, "You need to finish everything on your plate..." We came back to the office and I was feeling much worse. Finally, after doubling over in pain in the bathroom, I knew it was time for me to think about going home. I would leave at 4:00 instead of 5:00. Just an hour early and I could make up the time next week. My boss can be really cool and then he can be a jerk. This time he was really cool. I went in his office and told him I don't feel well, plus I don't have much to do. He told me to go home and pretend I stayed until 4:00. So I did. Good thing because the second I got home, it hit like a vengeance!!!
Poor Emeli could hear me groaning and came up the stairs to check on me. I was on the bed just crying in pain. That scared the heck out of her and I felt bad for doing that to her, but I couldn't help it. She is so worried that something will happen to Roberto or I and she will be left alone. I know it's from the divorce. In her child's mind, she knows that things are not forever and could change and get bad anytime. That's also something that makes me feel really guilty. The divorce was really hard on her. It just kind of pulled the carpet out from under her. She lay next to me on the bed quietly crying for me. She quietly asked me if I was going to die. I told her I felt like I was going to die, but no, I was not going to die. I would recover from this, but in the meantime, I felt really crappy. I told her not to worry about me. I was just in a lot of pain, but would be better soon. She still stayed by me for about half an hour just making sure I didn't split in half or something. Poor thing.
Mom brought me some Xanex (muscle relaxers) and some health food pills she got. They are these little tiny white circle pills that look like candy. You take eight at a time and let them dissolve on your tongue. Amazingly enough, they work. They don't make it all go away, but they sure do help. You take eight pills and then fifteen minutes later, you take eight more. I'm going to invest in those little guys for next month, too. Something tells me it is not going to get any better.
Roberto kept calling me. One time he called me and I was in tears. I haven't been in that kind of pain for a long time and it worried him. He told me he wished there was something he could do. But there really isn't anything. At 4am, I woke up in pain again and took some of the little white candy pills. Once again, I was surprised that they worked. I took two doses of them and I was able to go back to sleep by 5am. Of course, I woke Roberto up, though. He just rolled over and held me until I fell back to sleep. That's about all he can do for me. I feel guilty, though, because I toss and turn a lot when I am like that. Needless to say, he didn't sleep well last night, either.
Today I finally feel a little human. I'm not all the way better, but I was able to go grocery shopping and make some dinner. But now I am in bed again because I'm feeling a little worse. So I am taking it easy. If I feel like this tomorrow, I am NOT going to church. I will just lie in bed and curl up in a ball.
I'm grateful that this thing only lasts for about two days, though. If it were much longer, I would probably toss myself off our balcony. I am grateful for my children who are especially helpful at this time. They run and fetch for me when I am lying in bed. Unfortunately, Roberto has to work all the time, so he can't be here. But I'm sure he would prefer that to waiting on me hand and foot or listening to me moan...just a guess. :)
Poor Emeli could hear me groaning and came up the stairs to check on me. I was on the bed just crying in pain. That scared the heck out of her and I felt bad for doing that to her, but I couldn't help it. She is so worried that something will happen to Roberto or I and she will be left alone. I know it's from the divorce. In her child's mind, she knows that things are not forever and could change and get bad anytime. That's also something that makes me feel really guilty. The divorce was really hard on her. It just kind of pulled the carpet out from under her. She lay next to me on the bed quietly crying for me. She quietly asked me if I was going to die. I told her I felt like I was going to die, but no, I was not going to die. I would recover from this, but in the meantime, I felt really crappy. I told her not to worry about me. I was just in a lot of pain, but would be better soon. She still stayed by me for about half an hour just making sure I didn't split in half or something. Poor thing.
Mom brought me some Xanex (muscle relaxers) and some health food pills she got. They are these little tiny white circle pills that look like candy. You take eight at a time and let them dissolve on your tongue. Amazingly enough, they work. They don't make it all go away, but they sure do help. You take eight pills and then fifteen minutes later, you take eight more. I'm going to invest in those little guys for next month, too. Something tells me it is not going to get any better.
Roberto kept calling me. One time he called me and I was in tears. I haven't been in that kind of pain for a long time and it worried him. He told me he wished there was something he could do. But there really isn't anything. At 4am, I woke up in pain again and took some of the little white candy pills. Once again, I was surprised that they worked. I took two doses of them and I was able to go back to sleep by 5am. Of course, I woke Roberto up, though. He just rolled over and held me until I fell back to sleep. That's about all he can do for me. I feel guilty, though, because I toss and turn a lot when I am like that. Needless to say, he didn't sleep well last night, either.
Today I finally feel a little human. I'm not all the way better, but I was able to go grocery shopping and make some dinner. But now I am in bed again because I'm feeling a little worse. So I am taking it easy. If I feel like this tomorrow, I am NOT going to church. I will just lie in bed and curl up in a ball.
I'm grateful that this thing only lasts for about two days, though. If it were much longer, I would probably toss myself off our balcony. I am grateful for my children who are especially helpful at this time. They run and fetch for me when I am lying in bed. Unfortunately, Roberto has to work all the time, so he can't be here. But I'm sure he would prefer that to waiting on me hand and foot or listening to me moan...just a guess. :)
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