Monday, April 6, 2009

This weekend was very nice. On Friday night, Emeli had Isabella spend the night. I went downstairs to find them out on the balcony playing Trouble with the sliding glass door wide open (at least the screen was shut) and my ipod playing on my little stereo blaring out onto the balcony. It was probably 38 degrees outside!!! Of course, I started scolding. "I am NOT going to heat the whole world...blah, blah, blah..." The two of them sheepishly came back inside and played on the front room floor. I walked away just shaking my head.

I had left work at 1:30 and was so excited because I was going to go grocery shopping and get a few things, including strawberries to make jam. I came home, made wheat bread, which turned out super delicious. It even got complete approval from Brett, which is quite an accomplishment. Then I made freezer jam and then I made dinner. Dinner was a chicken and rice dinner. Roberto got home from work at 6ish and we ate. Everyone was very happy with the jam. It's absolutely delicious. I got enough strawberries to make more jam when this batch runs out. Everyone was very happy about that. In fact, I have a feeling the jam is not going to last very long!!

Saturday Roberto and I had a birthday lunch for Matthew Howden. He is turning 50 years old. That was quite a bit of drama. There is a lot of history with him and his wife and it's very sad. He had an affair off and on for a year. He kept going back and forth between the other woman and his wife. She is a much better woman than I am because after the second time of leaving me, I would have said, "You're out!" You can see how it has hurt his children. He was being very difficult and demanding during the party. He treated his family terribly. It really bothered Roberto. We spoke with his wife quietly about it. She is still hurting. My heart just bled for her and Roberto watches how he treats his family and he wants to kick Matthew's butt. We had stopped in SLC to see Rachelle at their hotel. They had tickets for conference and Jason and Stein had gone to the Saturday morning session. We played with the little ones in the hotel room. D'Jayden was so cute. Rachelle opened the door and he saw me and then he saw Roberto and he yelled, "Opa!" It was sweet. He gave Roberto a tour of all the cool things in the hotel room: the safe, the tub, the beds and how he could jump from one bed to the other. I proceeded to toss him onto the bed over and over again. He was cute.

By the time we had eaten lunch, visited with all the Howdens and stopped to see Rachelle again in Layton AND gone to Smith and Edwards, an army and navy outlet, we got home pretty late. We had bought caramel apples for the kids so they weren't too upset about us being so long. The whole time we were at Smith and Edwards, I kept thinking about Freddy. He would love that place. It has all this military crap, clothes, etc. Right up his alley.

Sunday we spent listening to conference on TV. I baked rolls, cookies and made a Sunday dinner. I always miss the older boys when I do a Sunday dinner. I miss having everyone around the table, talking and laughing. I love cooking for my family and wish we all lived closer so I could do that for them. They could get at least one home cooked meal a week. I really miss them.

Roberto stresses about this job a lot. It's not like anything he has done. He hates sitting at a desk all day long. He hates not knowing exactly what his paycheck will be. I don't blame him on either of those two issues. By Sunday night, he was starting to get stressed about it. He literally lies in bed, unable to sleep because he has so much going through his mind. I am always telling him to leave all those thoughts on the floor right next to his backpack. He can pick them up in the morning and deal with them then. That's very hard for him to do.

Over the weekend, Fred's wife, Cozette, had her baby. I can tell the kids are mixed about it and I'm sure I will get reports from them all the time on how different she is than I was. Emeli was very quiet about it all when she got back from seeing the baby on Sunday night. I can tell she is struggling with the whole fear that Elizabeth will replace her. She's worried that her dad will not love her anymore. I need to stress to her how a parent's heart always has room to love each new child without losing the love they have for the existing ones. I did not understand that until I had children of my own and I felt my heart expand each time I had a new little one. I looked into her eyes and saw how she was guarding herself and how she felt pain, but wasn't quite ready to talk about it yet. My heart breaks each time I see Emeli go through another emotional struggle. She has been through so much. She is a strong little thing, but I can see how it just tears her up inside.

On Saturday Emeli and Brett were roller blading and Reuben (who is going to feel my shoe up his butt soon) was calling her fat. That makes me so mad when she tells me kids are calling her fat. She is not fat! She used to be chubby, but she has lost a lot of weight and looks great. But she doesn't see it and it doesn't help when some stupid boy calls her fat. Reuben called her fat and she called Reuben an asshole. Of course, Brett quickly reported that to me when they got back in the house. I told her she is not allowed to say that word and the next time she says it, she will meet me at the sink and I will wash her mouth out. I'm tempted to take Reuben (who is fat!!) over my knee and beat the crap out of him. It's boys like that that create anorexic girls! The next time I see that kid, I'm going to walk up to him and give him a piece of my mind. He will not be calling Emeli names after that. So I'm on the warpath...haha!

April 1

It has been a long time since I've written!

On Friday we went to Logan to visit Rachelle and family. It was Zoe's birthday and she is a complete doll! She is walking and is so dang cute. We had a lot of fun. Brett and Emeli love visiting there and get irritated if we go without them. Emeli loves the kids and is really good with them. D'Jayden loves her. It's so cute. Brett thinks that Rachelle is hilarious. We got home from there at about 11pm. We dropped the kids off at their dad's. We had the weekend together and it was nice.

I always enjoy the weekend with Roberto when we are without the kids. On Saturday we ran errands and just hung around. It's just nice to be with him. We joke around and talk about things. It's really nice. He makes me laugh all the time.

On Saturday night, Emeli called to say she wanted to come home. I guess her dad and Cozette wanted her to clean up some stuff she felt wasn't her job to do. That happens a lot. They go there for the weekend and end up working and cleaning up messes that have been there for a while. It really bothers them a lot. So Cozette had a tantrum and Emeli told her dad how scared she was of Cozette's behavior. Her dad said, "Don't you remember your mom acting like that?" Emeli said no. Cozette throws things, swears, kicks things and gets very aggressive. Then he said, "Don't you remember your mom treating ME that way?" Emeli said no. I don't think I was that way at all. I would yell in frustration, but I would never throw things at the kids or swear at them or call them names. There were times I would tell them to go to their rooms but that was so I wouldn't do something violent. It was a way for me to cool off. But I have never sworn at my children or thrown something at them in anger. I told Emeli to give it some time and if she was still feeling that same way after church on Sunday, she could come home. She ended up staying all of Sunday.

The CEO of my company came by yesterday and took us out for lunch AND dinner. That was nice. For lunch we went to Ruby River and for dinner we went to PF Chang's. I was glad to go to PF Chang's because I will probably never get Roberto to take me there...haha! He is NOT a Chinese or Mexican fan.

The kids are with us this weekend. I will probably have Brett do my hair because he actually does a good job AND he doesn't mind it.

Saturday March 21

On Monday afternoon, Roberto's boss called him up and left a message on his voice mail letting him know that he was being laid off. Wow. What a way to tell someone. Roberto was kind of expecting it, but it still hurt. The thing that hurt the most was that they kept on five part timers who had been there less time than Roberto. That hurt. However, we have since thought it is probably a blessing in disguise. He was working a job with crappy hours. He worked every single weekend at nights and most Sundays, so he was unable to go to church. Now he can go to church again. Plus, he was not sure he wanted to work in the unit he was working in, anyways. There was a lot of political crap going on and he was not enjoying work as much. So Roberto applied for unemployment and found out he will be making more on unemployment than he was making working. What is up with that?! No wonder people stay on unemployment forever. So he is looking for jobs and is super frustrated. He hates being inactive and unemployed. It's driving him crazy. Every day I can sense him getting more and more frustrated. I don't blame him. When I was looking for a job, I felt the same. We are grateful that he has unemployment, though, because he can take his time looking for a job and not grab the first thing he can find. He will be a little picky and wait for something that has good hours (with weekends off, hopefully), good pay and benefits. We don't have insurance right now and that's kind of scary.

My job is secure. I am blessed about that. We are going to be super busy in June, July and August. We just fired someone last week. That was not very good. She was lying about her hours on her time sheets. This pay period, she stole 10 hours. She was saying she came into the office at 7am, yet when my boss got the report on when her card key went through the locked doors, it said she arrived at 8am. Wow. I don't get how people can do that. The other amazing thing is that she posted on her facebook status..."I already have an awesome interview lined up. Thank goodness for paying tithing." Yeah, whatever. Roberto told me about that and said, "Does she pay tithing on her stolen hours as well?" Whatever. I'm just amazed. So we hired a new girl, Tiffine, who started on Thursday. She is from Michigan and is not a member of the church and has been completely baffled by the whole Mormon culture. So my boss explained everything to her in a very anti-Mormon way. It really offended me, but I kept my mouth shut. I wasn't going to correct him because he would just be a complete jerk to me. Later, she said "He's so mean to you." I said, "Yes, he is. All day. Every day. But I give it back to him." She said, "If this was a playground, I would say it's because he likes you." I laughed and said, "Yeah, he is just like a fifth grader at times." Jerk.

We have the kids this weekend. That is always nice. Emeli spent the night at Alandra's house. Then they went to an Achievement Day activity. She came back with a bag of goodies, including two Hostess cupcakes. My favorite. I let Roberto have a bite of the one Emeli gave me. He didn't like it. I just said, "More for me..." We washed and vacuumed the car as a family today. It needed it so badly!! Then we took Emeli to Dairy Queen for a treat. Her grades were amazing. I am so proud of her, so we took her to DQ. What a zoo. There were only three people running the whole place. The drive thru was busy and the inside was, too. We waited for ten minutes for our food and then they got mine and Roberto's orders wrong. But I wasn't about to complain and have it take another ten minutes. As we were leaving, a guy said to me, "So you finally got your food after a ten minute wait?" I laughed and said, "Yeah, but I was supposed to get a dipped cone" and I held up my sundae. We both laughed.

Last night Roberto and I went on a fun date. We went to Burger King for dinner and then drove up the Provo Canyon and ended up at Bridal Veil Falls Park. Roberto had brought along the game Trouble. So we walked the trail until we found a nice place to lay the blanket and we played Trouble. He beat me twice and then I finally beat him. We walked along the trail enjoying the gorgeous weather. It was so nice. Then we went to a gas station to go to the bathroom. While I was in the bathroom, Roberto bought Rolo's. He ate all of them but two. Rude. We went to Target to get some ibuprofen and bought some yummy chocolate. Roberto has a terrible sweet tooth...haha!!

Next week we go up to Logan for Zoe's birthday party. The kids will be with us for that and then we drop them off at Fred's afterwards. Then we have the whole weekend together. That will be nice. I always love weekends with Roberto.

Last weekend was really nice. We slept in, which I really enjoy because I get up so early every day. We drove out to Saratoga Springs and looked around. It's really pretty out there. I had told Roberto I was going to surprise him with a date in Salt Lake City. He had to wear church clothes. I had told Rachelle about it and she had told Roberto and he said, "So Rachelle knows where we are going and I don't?" But I know he secretly liked that. We drove to Temple Square, after changing our clothes at the local Artic Circle (gross food!). I was taking him to a free concert. It was really good. It only lasted an hour, which was short and sweet. We enjoyed that a lot. Saturday was such a nice day together. We had a really good time. It really brought us closer.

Monday March 9, 2009

Yesterday was not a good day.  Roberto was supposed to work a double shift from 7am until 9pm at night.  We were excited because that meant more hours.  Emeli wouldn't go to church with me because she didn't feel like it.  So I went alone.  I was sitting there listening to the speaker, missing Roberto, thinking about how long it has been since I have sat with him during church.  He always has to work on Sundays. I looked up to see him standing there in the doorway, looking for me.  I waved a little wave to him.  He saw me and came to sit next to me.  They had sent him home at 10:00.  So he sat next to me until sacrament meeting was over.  It was so nice to sit next to him, but at the same time I knew we would be less that amount of money.  He was in his work clothes and as he walked in, a lady stared him up and down as if she was thinking that he was not dressed appropriately.  Whatever. We went home after sacrament meeting.  When we got home, Roberto told Emeli that until she is sixteen, she will go to church with us.  She is not allowed to miss church just because she doesn't feel like it.  She agreed.  I went back for Relief Society and Emeli came with me and went to Primary.

After Relief Society, the Bishop saw me.  He pulled me in his office and asked me how we are doing.  I told him that Roberto has been limited to one shift a week now and that we really need some help with food.  He was very hesitant and told me that he would really like to see us be self sufficient.  We have received food from him two other times.  This time we were really desperate because we were down to our last gallon of milk and needed other things as well.  He told me he would like to have a meeting with us to discuss this.  He would talk to the Relief Society president.  I walked out feeling completely humiliated.  If it were just Roberto and I, I would go hungry, but I can't stand by and let my children go hungry.  So I begged and it was degrading.

The day went by with no word from the Relief Society president.  Roberto was able to go to his one shift he is supposed to work from 2pm until 9pm.  All afternoon he kept calling to see if the Relief Society president had called me.  I told him she hadn't.  I kept wondering if maybe the Bishop just didn't talk to her.  Finally, at 8:45, Roberto called me and said I needed to call the Relief Society president to see if she had spoken with the bishop.  I was embarrassed to do that, but I also knew we needed milk and the kids needed food.  Like I said before, if it were just me, I would go hungry rather than call.  I called her and she said, "Yes, the bishop has spoken to me and I completely forgot!"  I wanted to yell at her.  This was not a tiny thing to me.  We need the food and for her to forget was inexcusable, in my opinion.  She came over at 9:00 and I got the food order from her.  It's a good thing she came and left before Roberto arrived home from work because he probably would have said something to her.

This Relief Society president has said a couple of things to me that make me very hesitant to ask for too much.  The first time she came by, she kind of hinted that I was asking for too much meat.  The second time she said, "Now, remember, this is only supposed to last for two weeks."  To me, that is very humiliating. This time she asked if my husband was looking for another job.  I wanted to say, "No, he is playing Nintendo all day." I hate asking for food as it is and to be told in hinting that I am asking for too much or to be treated like an idiot is just plain embarrassing.  In comparison, when I was in Seattle, the Relief Society president used to call me every two weeks to the day and she would press food on me.  She knew I had four children to feed and that I was really struggling.  My bishop gave me a voucher for $300 worth of clothes for the kids, he paid my utility bills.  I am not asking for that kind of help.  I just needed a few things and we would be okay.  

That afternoon, I was telling Brett and Emeli about how we had to get a food order and how I felt like I had to beg for it.  Brett just sat there quietly.  Then he said, "You know, the next time Dad takes us out for an expensive dinner, I am not going to eat.  I will tell him to put the money I would have spent on dinner towards child support."  Emeli agreed with him.  I just sat there amazed.  Then he told me how Fred and Cozette went out for dinner the other night.  Brett asked them why they didn't take them along and Cozette said, "Surely your mom takes you there, right?"  He was so angry at that.  He wanted to answer, "No, she can't afford it because Dad doesn't pay enough child support."   But he kept quiet.  He told me it bothered him a lot.

Last night Roberto told me that he goes to bed hungry at nights sometimes because he doesn't want to eat  food that the kids could eat.  When he told me that, I just started crying.  So many emotions were going through my head.  I am amazed that he sacrifices for my children to that extent, that he works his butt off trying to support us and that he takes his role as patriarch so seriously. I feel so blessed to have a husband who is that caring and would go hungry so that the kids can eat.  That just amazes me.  Even now, I am crying as I think about it.

I was kind of emotional at work today.  I am still a little amazed at Roberto's sacrifice and how I had to beg for food.  I know the gospel is true, I just struggle with the people at times.

Saturday March 7

Monday is Freddy's birthday. He will be twenty years old and I can't believe I have two children in their twenties. How did that happen?! I don't feel much older than 20, myself!

I went out to lunch with Michelle Lunt. We met at Olive Garden in American Fork. It was so nice to catch up with her. There are some friends you have that it doesn't matter how long it has been since you have seen them. The moment you see them again, it's like you never were apart and you take up right where you left off. Michelle is one of those friends. So is Karen Carpenter. Emeli wanted to come with me, but I told her that it was a girl's lunch. Emeli held up her arms and said, "Hello...I'm a girl." I said, "Oh, okay, this is a woman's lunch..."

I have so many memories of Michelle Lunt. I have known Michelle for 25 years. We met at Rick's College in my freshman, her sophomore year. We were married within a year of each other and our first two boys are the same age. We used to get together all the time when they were young. Michelle is the best friend I have ever had. We had so many good times together. I could fill an entire blog talking about the things we did together and all the things we have shared. I will always be grateful for Michelle's friendship.

So on Tuesday night, Roberto showed up for work. He had managed to find some hours at work on other units. He was there for an hour when he got a call from one of the directors. They told him they didn't need him. He was very frustrated and discouraged by that. He was supposed to work Thursday night and Friday morning. On Thursday, he found out they didn't need him for those shifts, either. Now he is looking for another job in earnest. Friday night he got a call from them and was asked if he could come in on Saturday from 7am until 9pm. We were excited because that's more hours than he was planning. So he works on Sunday as well. So he has three shifts this week and only needs to find two more, if he can. He is very discouraged by that. But then I reminded him that when I was looking for a job between working at Evans Construction and Novacoast, I was not working for two weeks. We were without a paycheck. At least we have some money coming in.

Last night Mom, Barbi and Ryan went to the temple to do more temple work for Dad and other ancestors. As Ryan was receiving the priesthood for Dad, he looked up at the man doing the ordination and noticed that his name was also Richard Arnold. Richard Arnold told Ryan he often sees things like this happen in the temple. We were comforted by this, knowing that Dad has probably accepted the gospel. This is very exciting to all of us.

March 4 Wednesday

On Monday night, during FHE, Roberto got a call from work. They told him they would be cutting his hours back from 40 to 8. That hit him hard. He took it bravely, but I could tell as FHE progressed, he was getting more and more quiet. On Friday night, they had laid off about five full time employees, so Roberto was expecting something. But this took him by surprise because it was so quick after the lay offs. After FHE, we went upstairs and Roberto got on the computer and started looking for jobs immediately. I helped him write a Cover Letter and he started sending out his resume and cover letters to anyone he could.

He found a couple of call centers he could work at until he either found a better job or he could get more shifts at Slate Canyon (where he works now). That is one thing I admire about Roberto. He is very serious about providing for his family. He would do anything, no matter how menial, to bring in money to support us. There are a couple of leads he is following. One of them is being a bank vault security officer. That would require him to carry a gun...yikes. The other one is doing pest control. That would pay well, plus there is commission and benefits. We are hoping he can get something with benefits.

It is a hard time to be out of work because the jobs are pretty scarce and companies are either cutting back or laying off. It's scary out there.

Yesterday he went to a few interviews. He also went into work last night and picked up more shifts in other units at Slate Canyon. That is a relief. But they could cut one of his shifts at any time if they don't have enough kids there. They cut his shift for tonight. That means I need to do more overtime. Thank goodness my boss owes me for some commission he didn't pay me last month. So he is giving me free hours of overtime to make up for it.

Now Roberto is sick and I feel like I will probably get it by the weekend...grrr. The kids will be with Fred, so I will probably just lay around the house and do nothing all weekend. I hate weekends like that. I like to get things done. But everyone around me is sick and I'm sure my number is up. I've been lucky so far. I haven't been really sick for a while.

I tell Roberto that the Lord hasn't let us down yet, so we will be okay with the cutting of his hours. But it's still worrisome. I am grateful to be married to someone who wants to work and doesn't look at this like an opportunity to sit around the house and do nothing. He is online all day long looking for work. He is out doing interviews. I am grateful for that.

Temple Work

Yesterday Barbi, Ryan, Barbi's kids and Mom went to the Timpanogas Temple to do baptisms for the dead. One of the people they were doing work for was Dad. He has been dead for 2 1/2 years and it is overdue for him to get his work done.

While Barbi was there, she felt Dad's presence three times. The first time was when she was walking down the stairs towards the baptistry. She felt like she walked right through him. She had an overwhelming feeling of his presence. She hadn't even thought about the possibility of feeling him there when she was walking downstairs. So it took her by surprise. The next time she felt him was when she was watching the baptisms. She felt like he sat down next to her with his arm behind her. She felt like he was telling her, "Be nice to your mother. Be nicer to her." When Barbi told me that, I knew that was my dad talking. He always demanded respect for my mother. If he ever caught us back talking her, we would be in so much trouble. One time we were walking though a house with a real estate agent. My mom had said something and I flippantly corrected her in front of the agent. I was walking behind her, feeling pretty smart. My dad hung back, stepped behind me and smacked me hard on the butt and quietly said, "Don't ever correct your mother like that again in front of someone." That put me in my place! The last time Barbi felt Dad, she was standing and watching something and he came up beside her and said,"What took you so long?" He was joking with her because we used to always tell him that the second he died, we would have his name in the temple waiting for the day we could baptize him. I am so glad he was there. Barbi felt like he was happy and I feel pretty sure he accepted the gospel.

I was telling Barbi that every once in a while I can feel him near me. I especially feel him around me on the weekends when the kids are with their dad and Roberto is at work. It's like he knows I'm a little lonely and I'm least distracted and will feel his presence more then. It's not a scary feeling. It's just a quiet assurance that he's there and aware of me. There are times I really miss him. I just wish I could call him up on the phone and hear his voice and hear his laughter. I loved his laugh and I loved it when he would laugh at something I said.

I am grateful I had a loving father like that. He had his faults. But he was a good man and a good father to me.

I have noticed that Roberto and his daughter, Rachelle, seem to have the same kind of relationship I had with Dad. She calls him a lot to talk about things. They are very close. She teases him mercilessly and it's hilarious. The two of them can banter like Dad and I would. I love watching them because it reminds me of Dad and I. I'm glad Roberto has that kind of relationship with Rachelle.