Thursday

On Tuesday, we took Emeli to her therapy appointment. That was interesting. She went in with the therapist for about half an hour and then the therapist asked me to come in. Roberto was there too, so Emeli asked him to come in as well. She is very comfortable with him.

Emeli ran to the bathroom, so the therapist took that moment to ask about my concerns with Emeli. I told her I just want to help her get over what happened to her. The therapist nodded. I was not aware that Emeli had told her anything about it yet. The last time I had talked with Emeli, she had told me she didn't tell her anything. Emeli is kind of quiet about what goes on in there. I respect that. The therapist told me that Emeli has told her everything about it. I am relieved about that. I want Emeli to talk to someone about Alex and to find solutions for getting over such a terrible event.

When Emeli got back into the office, there was only the couch and Roberto and I were sitting there. Roberto and I scooted over and Emeli plopped right up against Roberto and kind of lay against him with his arm around her. Very cozy looking. We talked about how Roberto has PTSD, how he understands what it is like having parents who are separated, how I don't understand that, how hard it is to see parents fighting like Fred and I do. We talked about all the nice people Roberto has brought into Emeli's life. She LOVES Roberto's daughter, Rachelle and Rachelle's husband and kids. She also loves Roberto's South African friends who live here in Utah. We talked about how Fred can't communicate with me without wanting to throw accusations in my face from the past. We talked about how Roberto has become the go between for us because he won't take any of Fred's crap and Fred knows it. Fred has a healthy respect for Roberto. Roberto had to get tough with him, but now Fred doesn't do stupid intimidating things to me anymore.

Emeli and Roberto had picked me up from work, so we had to go back to my work to get the truck. Roberto drove that. Emeli and I drove the Cruiser. Of course, Roberto raced out of the parking lot wanting to beat us home. The kids love how we always race each other if we are driving separate cars. It gave Emeli and I a chance to chat about things.

Her therapist told Emeli she has had a hard life with lots of change in the last two years. She has been raped, gone through a divorce, moved three times, changed schools twice, adjusted to two step parents and step siblings. I told her that it was a good thing we left Washington. If we didn't leave, she would have to see Alex all the time walking around the streets, at church, at school, etc. It would be so uncomfortable. She agreed. She said she finally is glad to be in Utah. That's a relief because she has really struggled with Utah. So has Brett. I also said, "If we didn't leave Washington, we would never have met Roberto." She agreed and said, "Roberto... yeah, we never would have had him." Then she told me how she appreciated that she got to know Roberto before I married him and I was constantly asking her how she liked him. She told me that her dad just surprised all the kids with Cozette. He didn't ask what they thought. He just showed her to them and got married.

My boss was talking about how he doesn't think children need to be respectful to their step parents. I disagree. I told him that Roberto pays for their support, so they need to obey him like a father figure. If I ever heard them say, "You're not my dad. I don't need to listen to you." I would be livid. They know that. Plus, they respect him for working hard and for his character. He is firm but fair. He doesn't yell, doesn't throw tantrums. He just speaks firmly and is consistent. They know what he likes and what he doesn't like. He doesn't let Emeli talk back to me, either. Then my boss asked me how I feel about Cozette disciplining Emeli. I told him I don't have a problem with that. When she is in their house, she follows their rules. I only have a problem if she tries to tell Emeli things about me to hurt Emeli. Then I get mad. She's done that before and I called her on it. It has stopped. Cozette's children told Fred, "You're not my dad..." I told Emeli that that is unacceptable. Cozette should not allow her children to speak to Fred that way. My boss said, "That's fine, but wait until they are sixteen." I said, "My son is sixteen. If I ever heard him talk to Roberto like that, I would be on him in two seconds. He can be angry with Roberto, but he will show him respect and be polite." My boss finally agreed with that.

According to the therapist, it is rare for the step parents to get as much support as the kids and I give Roberto. The mom usually sides with the kids. I will side with the kids if I think he is being unreasonable. But I won't do it in front of them. Roberto and I will talk about it later, in private. We have had a couple situations like that. I have told Roberto he was being harsh and he had forgotten what it's like to be a kid and he has agreed and apologized later. He came from a very rigid upbringing and I have to remind him how rigid it was and how unhappy he was because of it. It's funny how, as parents, we always go back to how our parents did it even if we hated how they did it and completely disagree with it. I often have to stop myself from saying things my parents said or from doing things they did. I'm sure my kids will too.

Grrrr.....

My boss is an ass. I came in work today and had a phone message waiting for me. It was regarding an order we are processing for the county of Pierce in Washington State. It has been a pain in the butt since we first started on it. I was doing three different things yesterday and forgot to reference a number on our purchase order. Plus, some of the pricing was wrong. I admit I made a mistake. I told my boss and he immediately tore into me. Then he said, "...and you go home and complain to Roberto that I am hard on you..." I ignored that because I didn't want to say something and get fired. Because if I had said what I wanted to say, I would have been fired. Not only that, it would have contained a lot of profanity.

Now, if I go home and tell Roberto what he said, Roberto will want to come in and slam him against the wall. Roberto already held him around the neck when we were out in California. It was a subtle man's way of saying, "Watch it." Rick got the message.

When Heather came in, he was still snippy. She went in with her tight shirt and flirted him out of the snippiness. Then he told us he wanted to go for re-fills. Lately he has taken us to this gas station for re-fills. Heather and I used to walk to the cafeteria and get them. Since Mesha left, Rick has started going with us to the gas station. He pays, which is nice. But it's almost like when I go, I'm saying his treatment of me is okay. During the trip, we also went by some apartments in Provo to check them out because he is going to try and do wireless for them for a company we work with. Everytime I opened my mouth to say anything, he shot down what I was saying. He'll say, "Yeah, yeah..." and then either disagree with me or mock what I'm saying. He doesn't do this to Heather. Everything she says is cool. He agrees with everything she says.

If I kept a notebook of the sexual things he says on a daily basis, I would never have to work again. I could sue Novacoast for harassment a million times over. But since I don't stand up to him at the time, it would never fly in court. Not only that, I don't want to go through all that crap. I've done that before and it's not worth it.

So I shut up and stop talking. When that happens, Heather knows what is going on. She tries to cheer me up. Rick is oblivious. He continues to mock me. As we were walking toward the building, he was walking in my footsteps in the snow and mocking the way I walk. If I could be allowed to speak my mind for one moment, I would turn on the asshole and slug him right in his gut. I would kick him right in the crotch and then shove him into the snow.

I know why he does it. He's like some stupid high school boy who has a crush on you, but can't express it in a normal way. Sometimes I just sit here and fume and dream of finding another job. But the market is so bad and we can't afford for me to not work until I find another job. So I can't just tell him to shove it. I would like to, but I can't. When I do quit, I will just up and quit. No notice. Nothing. I'll have another job and I'll leave Rick high and dry.

Blah...

Once a month, in fact, every 28 days to be exact, I go through a metamorphosis. It's enough to drive everyone in the family crazy, especially me. I feel like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. For 25 days, I am normal, even keeled Dr. Jekyl, but then three days out of the month, I turn into Mr. Hyde and people run for cover. This weekend was one of those times. I can usually feel it coming on a day before. It's like someone has peeled back my skin and exposed every nerve ending. Loud noises make me jumpy, people irritate me easily and I just want to bite someone. I usually alert Roberto by saying, "I want to bite someone real bad..."and he ALWAYS says, "Don't bite me. I bite back." True. He does.

My moods used to scare my ex. They don't scare Roberto. He either avoids me or he snaps right back. That's something I have never experienced. Usually people run for cover. Not Roberto. He also points out the flaws in my logic. There are always flaws in my logic. I'm not thinking straight and it's obvious. Everything bothers me. Everything hurts my feelings. I appreciate that Roberto will stand up to me. Few people do when I am like this.

The thing that pisses me off the most is that a whole weekend was wasted. I spent a lot of the time in bed, avoiding people. I did have a good practice session on the piano, which always helps clear my head. I sit at the piano and my thoughts start to flow and I can put things in perspective. I mopped the kitchen floor, did all my laundry, vacuumed and tidied the house. All that adrenalin coursing through me put to good use.

I went to WalMart and found myself scowling the entire time. I was alone, which is a good thing, because no one would have found my company very pleasant. The worst thing is that pretty soon I'm so grumpy that everyone around me becomes grumpy and then I start to get more irritated. It's like a chain reaction.

Probably the one who is affected by it the worst is Emeli. She gets ignored for a while and watches a lot of TV. Not only that, she starts to get whiney because she is bored and wanting my company (which, if she were smart, she would figure isn't always a good thing at the time). Her whininess sets me off and the two of us start fighting. Whew! When the two of us fight, that's not good. Not only that, I suspect that she gets a little emotional when I do because that's the nature of women who live together. She may not be going through a cycle, but she has cycles. Hers always match mine. I know it will only get better...

Brett usually will ask me what's wrong. I will tell him and then that's the last I hear of him until my cycle is over. Smart boy. He's one of the "run for cover" types. It's safe and he doesn't get hurt that way.

Not only am I battling my cycle, the weather for the whole weekend has been Seattle type weather. Overcast, rainy and cold. That kind of weather used to bother me in Seattle and it is bothering me still. In our last house, if it started raining, I knew we would have leaky places in the house. Our roof was in desperate need of repair and our landlord was very slow to fix things. So when I hear rain, my first reaction is always to worry; then I realize I am in a nice, leak-proof house and I settle down. Listening to the rain at night is soothing when I know it's not leaking in my bedroom, my kitchen or my front room somewhere. Plus, it's melting the snow.

I gazed out the window for a good half hour tonight, just analyzing my thoughts, the weekend and how I feel about things. I am always glad when I can go back to being calm Dr. Jekyl again. Dr. Jekyl usually has damage control to take care of after Mr. Hyde has been let loose for two or three days.

Wow...it really sucks to be a woman sometimes.

Buddy

Today, as Heather and I were walking back to the office from the cafeteria at work, I saw a big, black dog. From a distance it totally looked like Buddy. I immediately called out to the dog. Heather laughed at me when she heard my "dog voice". Of course the dog came up to me, tongue lolling about in her mouth, excited to see me as if we were long lost friends. She was a huge black lab mix. She had a patch of white spotted fur at her throat and a long, shaggy tail. I think she is a lab, husky, mastiff mix. She had very wide hips and shoulders and a square face like a mastiff. She was sweet. She had a red ribbon around her neck. I pet her and cooed to her. Heather and I decided right there that we would bring her up into the office for a little bit. Our boss hadn't arrived yet, so we thought we would surprise him. We often do things like that and I know he just shakes his head at our antics. But I also know he secretly loves how playful we are. We brought the dog upstairs and into the office. She came back to our desks and sat there. We fed her food from the food stashes we have in our desks and she loved that, of course. We took pictures of ourselves with her. She smelled just like Buddy and it was bittersweet to smell her and pet her. It brought back memories of Buddy. It was also weird to see a dog that looked so much like Buddy, yet acted differently than Buddy.

Buddy was my dog from the moment he stepped into our house. He followed me around, slept next to me wherever I was in the house and completely idolized me. He was like my fifth child. We had a bond that was like nothing I had ever felt for an animal. When he came to us, his name was Kai. I thought that was a stupid name. So I called him Buddy because he was literally my buddy. He would come in the car with me whenever I ran errands, unless it was the middle of the summer and too hot to leave him in the car. He would see me getting ready to leave and he would sit at attention in the front room, waiting to be invited. I would say, "Okay, come on..." and he would leap up and run to the front door. If anyone was foolish enough to be standing at the front door, they would get mowed down. Many times Emeli got thrown to the ground because she was standing next to me, getting ready to leave. When I ran a paper route in the middle of the night for a year, he came with me every single time. He would curl up on the back seat and sleep. I always felt safe knowing I had Buddy in the car. I know he never would have really protected me, but I still didn't feel so alone in the middle of the night in the dark. I painted many of the walls in our home and he would sit right next to me when I did that. Invariably, he would have a spot of the paint on his back from wedging himself so close to me. He would lie on my bed at nights and snuggle me. He would lie against my body and lay his head over my arm and snore. When he lay himself down, he always groaned as he kind of threw himself down. It was hilarious.

When someone came to the door, he would stand guard next to me. We often had door-to-door solicitors. If they were men, he would not leave my side. He could look quite intimidating.

He loved to grab a stuffed animal and just mouth it. I would give him an old stuffed animal that no one cared about and call it his baby. If he was lying on the floor, I would call out, "Buddy, where is your baby?" and he knew exactly what I was saying. He would get up and look around until he found the stuffed animal, grab it and lie back down with it in his mouth. Then he would lie there and mouth it. He used to love to jump up into my lap when I was on the couch and lay his head against my chest and nuzzle me. I would say, "Give me kisses..." and he would lick my neck. When I was cooking dinner, he would lie down between the dining room and the kitchen just waiting for me to call everyone to dinner so he could lurk under the table and catch crumbs. If the kids and I started to dance in the kitchen to my music, while I was cooking, he would join in. He would jump around and step in between the kids and I as if he was dancing too. I would pick up his front legs and we would dance. Or I would clap my hands and he would leap up and down.

He loved my cooking...well, he was a dog, of course he liked human food. Once when I was teaching piano lessons, he came walking past the piano and plopped himself down on the floor. I looked over at him and noticed that he had a full banana bread loaf in his mouth. I had just made banana bread and he had helped himself to one of the loaves cooling on the counter. Another time I left an unfinished casserole on the counter so I could run the boys to scouts. I came home to find that casserole dish broken on the floor and completely licked clean.

When I left my husband, I moved to a house that did not permit dogs. I left him with my ex. My ex was never home and Buddy was neglected. I finally took Buddy in to stay with me until my ex could get his stuff together. He was going to take Buddy to Idaho with him to his new wife and her girls. That hurt, but I also knew that I couldn't support Buddy. One day, Buddy got out. He was famous for escaping. He had a name tag on his collar that read, "Buddy Kesler, escape artist" with our phone number on it. Fred's phone had been shut off, so when Buddy got out, no one could call that number to let us know where Buddy was. I never saw Buddy again. At the time, there was a lot of drama going on in my life and this was just one more thing. I closed my mind to it. I pushed it back to deal with later. I had to comfort myself with knowing that he either was taken to the pound and found a new home or he was put to sleep. Either way, I knew he was happy.

When I die, I hope to see Buddy and be with him again. I don't think I will ever love a dog like I loved Buddy. My memories of him are all happy ones and I am grateful for the time I had with him. I will never forget him.

MLK

So today is MLK and I really don't care except that my boss let me have the day off, pretending it was a holiday, so I'm grateful for MLK. The only problem is that I didn't wear my eye covers so the bright sun in my bedroom woke me up and I was done sleeping in. I had planned to go into work anyway, but at 7:45, when I was having a hard time getting out of bed, Roberto said, "Why don't you just stay home?" That's all the invitation I needed. I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. But we have two huge sky lights in our bedroom and it was bright and I couldn't sleep anymore. But I did get to just lie there and relish not having to get up. But I also felt guilty because that's just the way I am. I lay there thinking that I should have gone into work, but it feels so good to just stay in bed (especially when it is so dang cold outside!!) and then I feel guilty again...crazy, I know.

I lay there as long as I could. Meanwhile, I could hear Emeli annoying Brett and I could tell she was bored and was going to take everyone with her. So I got up. I ate breakfast: banana bread, orange juice and yummy banana granola. I got in the shower and took Emeli to Allen's with me so we could buy eggs. I had received a bunch of bananas from Roberto's work. They were going bad and he had offered for me to bake banana bread for all the kids. But I needed eggs. So Emeli and I went to buy eggs. They had those cute little Valentine cookies that you put on a cookie sheet and bake. Of course, I had to buy some of those. Plus, they had Valentines for 99cents and Emeli needed those for school.

I baked banana bread, went back to bed to snuggle Roberto. He is THE most non-morning person I have known, besides my dad. They could both sleep until noon if they were left alone. In fact, I think Roberto could probably sleep later, if I didn't harass him all the time to get up...haha! My dad used to say that he and my mom were the exact opposites that way. She wakes up, opens the curtains, and is up and running. My dad would lay in bed on the weekends and we had to tiptoe around the house until he finally dragged himself out of bed. Even then, you wanted to avoid him for the first hour he was up. That's basically Roberto and myself. When I get up, I go down to the kitchen, make breakfast, turn on my music really loud and greet the day. I always bring orange juice up to Roberto, who is buried under the covers, and grumbles if anyone makes too much noise or expects any kind of conversation from him, and for the first hour that he is up, you want to avoid him as well.

Barbi and Ryan are on a cruise until Sunday. I thought it would be nice to have their kids over for dinner last night...holy cow!!!! I forgot how loud four children can be when they are that young. My four kids are a lot less noisy than they used to be and I have forgotten how loud it is. I always told myself I wouldn't forget, but I did. The moment Sawyer walked into the house, he was leaping on the couch like it was a trampoline. I told him that if he kept jumping on my couch, I would toss him out my window. He must have thought I was joking because he looked me right in the eyes and kept jumping...grrr. So I had Brett go upstairs and get my mini tramp. That kept Sawyer happy, until he found the piano!!! I also forgot how busy a six year old boy is. Holy Cow!!! During some of the horse play with all the kids, Sawyer banged his head against my coffee table. All his sadness and angst came out and he just lost it. I knew that most of his crying was from missing his parents. Suddenly he wanted to go home. Kaitlin was really good with him. I told him that if he went home now, he would miss my chocolate cupcakes, which he ate six of!!! By the time the kids left, I was frazzled! I know they weren't that much more rambunctious than my own kids would have been, but I have forgotten. And that bothered me. I never wanted to be one of those grandmas that goes nuts when the grandkids are here. I can tell I just might be one of those...dang!!! I guess I will have to invest in some Xanex.

I have recently found a bunch of people that I grew up with in Camarillo. That was interesting because some of them I would rather forget. Lori is on a mission to find as many Camarillo people as possible and then she suggests them to me as friends. Some of them I ignore, others I invite to be friends. But it still brings back some memories I had buried for a long time. So on Friday, I had a little dark cloud looming over me for most of the day. What I appreciate is that when I have those times, I can talk to Roberto and he holds me. He listens, remembers everything I tell him and then he helps me put it all in perspective. I have never had a partner like that. I love that about him. The funny thing about Roberto is that no one would guess how tender, kind and understanding he is. He has a very tough exterior, yet he is the most supportive and understanding friend. From the moment I met him, he took me under his wing, listened to all my bitter history and has helped me move on with it.

Right now Emeli is downstairs with her music blasting, singing her lungs out. Reminds me of me. My favorite thing is to blast my music, dance to it or sing at the top of my lungs. My dad used to do that, too. He would come home from work, change out of his suit, play with the dog, eat dinner and then go into the front room and blast his music for the rest of the night. So I guess I got it honestly and so did my daughter.

Wow...

So I found an old childhood friend of mine on facebook last night. That was kind of depressing. She was always an over achiever, but I had no idea how much until I found out what she is doing right now. She is an attorney who consults for Court TV and CNN, plus she is now working as a broadcast journalist for KTLA. She's gorgeous and always was. So for me to look at her life and to look at mine was kind of sad. I was joking with a co-worker that my job is a loser job compared to hers. But then I think about what my priorities were when I was in my 20's and 30's and that was my children. I would not have wanted to work out of the home. Raising my kids was everything to me. I don't know how women work full time and raise young children. It's hard enough to raise Emeli, who is 11, and work out of the home. It kills me to be away from home when she gets home from school. She watches a lot of TV and doesn't interact with many friends because I am not home to drive her there or pick up her friends with her. That saddens me a lot. I'm a totally different mom for her than I was for my boys.

I showed her picture to Roberto and asked him if she thought she was pretty. He said no. He said she looks like all the other New Zealanders he knew in Holland and her looks don't do anything for him. He likes women with paler skin, which would be me. I am pale. At least that made me happy...

I get so frustrated with my ex. I could write pages about him on a blog, but it would be a waste of time. So I just grind my teeth in frustration and simmer a lot. It was always all about him and it hasn't changed. If he wants the kids, he wants the kids and then he will call Emeli and beg her to come visit. Emeli feels guilty and then she bugs me. I get so sick of dealing with him. I look forward to the day when Emeli turns 18 and I don't have to deal with him and custody any more.

Last night I went to Emeli's parent teacher conference. That was fun. I liked her two teachers. They are funny women and Emeli loves them. I know it's because one of them reminds her of me. Emeli had opted out of reading a book the class was reading. Don't ask me why they allowed that. In my day, they would have told me to get over it and to keep reading. But they told her she had the choice, but she would also have consequences for her choice. That consequence was to get a bad grade in her reading. Of course, I didn't hear about any of this from her. They wrote on her report card how she chose not to read this book. I read that out loud, with Emeli sitting beside me, and out of the corner of my eye, I could see her start to slouch in her seat. I turned to her and said, "You didn't want to read the book?" and she shook her head. Then I said, "Oh really?" Then the teacher told me she gave the book 11 pages and then decided she didn't like it. I asked Emeli to go get the book. The teacher stood up and went to get it. I said, "Emeli can get it." She told me the book had been put away; otherwise, she would have let Emeli get it. I asked the teacher for two copies. I said, "We are BOTH going to read this book." and I gave Emeli a crusty. The teachers offered to change her grade if she read the book. I told them I don't care if she still has the bad grade. I care that she read the book. I asked them what she needed to do to show she read the book and they said she needed to write a report. I told them it would be done. Meanwhile, Emeli is kind of sitting in her seat with a resigned look on her face. I had to chuckle inside because I knew she was not happy about that.

The rest of her grades were good. I was really proud of her math grades because I stink at math. I have always struggled with math and Emeli got really good grades there. So I told her that this weekend I will be taking her for a girlie day to celebrate her grades. She was happy with that. We went to the grocery store across the street after the conference. They had all this Valentine stuff. I LOVE Valentine's day. It is my favorite holiday of all. I just love the whole idea of Valentine's Day and the colors and the hearts. I'm just a sap! We got a banner that reads "Happy Valentine's Day" and hung it in the stairwell. It was only 60 cents! I'm tempted to get one for work.

Right now I am alone in the office with Bill. Bill makes me sick. Bill is 60 years old, psycho and gross. He is hugely overweight, breathes heavily whenever he walks more than twenty feet and has made a couple of inappropriate comments towards me, which totally grossed me out. He lives alone with his two cats and has told us a little too much about them. To listen to him speak is enough to drive me crazy. He is the most passive aggressive person I have met, since my ex. Everything is spun to make him look like a victim. They way he speaks is always that way. It's like talking to Eeyore. To listen to him speak to my boss is the most excruciating thing. My boss has no tolerance for Bill and Bill obviously despises my boss. When they talk to each other, I want to leave the room and come back when they are done. They talk circles around each other with Bill saying things like, "I know that's the right thing to do, but..." and I just roll my eyes. He just stepped out of the office, so I'm relieved...

Tomorrow is Friday...yeah!

So I figured out that my paycheck will be a little bit bigger than normal because I am being paid for all the time I spent for the company while in CA. That's nice because we always have bills. I wish I made that all the time. It would sure be nice.

I'm so glad that tomorrow is Friday. I have a very laid back boss. He just brought in a dart board today and challenged Heather and I to play. However, he is also a huge perv. EVERY single thing you say he can turn into a sexual statement...grrr.

Lately, I have been running on a mini trampoline. I love doing it. I run to the beat of all these great songs and have a blast doing it. I know Roberto is proud of me for keeping to it. My goal is to become a svelte, athletic 40-something. I would love to get rid of my tummy!!!

Tonight I get to go to Emeli's school and meet with her teacher. Doing Parent Teacher conferences is almost as fun as getting a crown put on your tooth. I don't know which I would rather do. You get to walk in the hallway exchanging greetings with all these SuperMoms. And in Utah, they all want to look like SuperMoms. It's really annoying. I don't know a lot of people in our ward, so I sometimes see them at the school and they look right through me. I would be hurt if I actually liked these women. But some Mormon women can be the most wenchy women in the world. You would think with the knowledge we have about the worth of a soul, they would be nicer. I have never seen such rude women in my life.

But that gets me to another topic I could go on and on about. There have been times when I have been in the mall or at the grocery store and women have stared me down with the most evil stares. Once I was in Sam's Club with Roberto and this group of four women (all sisters, obviousy) all stared me down in unison, including the mom!!! It was crazy. I just gave them the Arnold stare-down, which we Arnold girls have perfected, right back. The sad thing is they kept it up! We were in line behind them at the service desk, so I was stuck. A part of me wanted to trip them when they walked past me. Just a group trip would have been nice...grrr!

Anyway, I'm done ranting. So I will go to the school, endure the waspy looks and talk to Emeli's teacher. I will glare at the boy who torments her and then leave. My work will have been done...haha