Thursday

On Tuesday, we took Emeli to her therapy appointment. That was interesting. She went in with the therapist for about half an hour and then the therapist asked me to come in. Roberto was there too, so Emeli asked him to come in as well. She is very comfortable with him.

Emeli ran to the bathroom, so the therapist took that moment to ask about my concerns with Emeli. I told her I just want to help her get over what happened to her. The therapist nodded. I was not aware that Emeli had told her anything about it yet. The last time I had talked with Emeli, she had told me she didn't tell her anything. Emeli is kind of quiet about what goes on in there. I respect that. The therapist told me that Emeli has told her everything about it. I am relieved about that. I want Emeli to talk to someone about Alex and to find solutions for getting over such a terrible event.

When Emeli got back into the office, there was only the couch and Roberto and I were sitting there. Roberto and I scooted over and Emeli plopped right up against Roberto and kind of lay against him with his arm around her. Very cozy looking. We talked about how Roberto has PTSD, how he understands what it is like having parents who are separated, how I don't understand that, how hard it is to see parents fighting like Fred and I do. We talked about all the nice people Roberto has brought into Emeli's life. She LOVES Roberto's daughter, Rachelle and Rachelle's husband and kids. She also loves Roberto's South African friends who live here in Utah. We talked about how Fred can't communicate with me without wanting to throw accusations in my face from the past. We talked about how Roberto has become the go between for us because he won't take any of Fred's crap and Fred knows it. Fred has a healthy respect for Roberto. Roberto had to get tough with him, but now Fred doesn't do stupid intimidating things to me anymore.

Emeli and Roberto had picked me up from work, so we had to go back to my work to get the truck. Roberto drove that. Emeli and I drove the Cruiser. Of course, Roberto raced out of the parking lot wanting to beat us home. The kids love how we always race each other if we are driving separate cars. It gave Emeli and I a chance to chat about things.

Her therapist told Emeli she has had a hard life with lots of change in the last two years. She has been raped, gone through a divorce, moved three times, changed schools twice, adjusted to two step parents and step siblings. I told her that it was a good thing we left Washington. If we didn't leave, she would have to see Alex all the time walking around the streets, at church, at school, etc. It would be so uncomfortable. She agreed. She said she finally is glad to be in Utah. That's a relief because she has really struggled with Utah. So has Brett. I also said, "If we didn't leave Washington, we would never have met Roberto." She agreed and said, "Roberto... yeah, we never would have had him." Then she told me how she appreciated that she got to know Roberto before I married him and I was constantly asking her how she liked him. She told me that her dad just surprised all the kids with Cozette. He didn't ask what they thought. He just showed her to them and got married.

My boss was talking about how he doesn't think children need to be respectful to their step parents. I disagree. I told him that Roberto pays for their support, so they need to obey him like a father figure. If I ever heard them say, "You're not my dad. I don't need to listen to you." I would be livid. They know that. Plus, they respect him for working hard and for his character. He is firm but fair. He doesn't yell, doesn't throw tantrums. He just speaks firmly and is consistent. They know what he likes and what he doesn't like. He doesn't let Emeli talk back to me, either. Then my boss asked me how I feel about Cozette disciplining Emeli. I told him I don't have a problem with that. When she is in their house, she follows their rules. I only have a problem if she tries to tell Emeli things about me to hurt Emeli. Then I get mad. She's done that before and I called her on it. It has stopped. Cozette's children told Fred, "You're not my dad..." I told Emeli that that is unacceptable. Cozette should not allow her children to speak to Fred that way. My boss said, "That's fine, but wait until they are sixteen." I said, "My son is sixteen. If I ever heard him talk to Roberto like that, I would be on him in two seconds. He can be angry with Roberto, but he will show him respect and be polite." My boss finally agreed with that.

According to the therapist, it is rare for the step parents to get as much support as the kids and I give Roberto. The mom usually sides with the kids. I will side with the kids if I think he is being unreasonable. But I won't do it in front of them. Roberto and I will talk about it later, in private. We have had a couple situations like that. I have told Roberto he was being harsh and he had forgotten what it's like to be a kid and he has agreed and apologized later. He came from a very rigid upbringing and I have to remind him how rigid it was and how unhappy he was because of it. It's funny how, as parents, we always go back to how our parents did it even if we hated how they did it and completely disagree with it. I often have to stop myself from saying things my parents said or from doing things they did. I'm sure my kids will too.