Valentine's Weekend...

This weekend was so nice. I always enjoy a weekend alone with Roberto. I miss the kids, but it's a great time for us to have some quality time alone. We usually grow closer from it and I enjoy that.

Shari gave me an itunes gift card for $25. So Roberto has been helping me find some great songs to run on my trampoline to. He's so cute. He suggests all these old 70's rocker classics that he grew up listening to. As it's playing, he will say, "It's probably not fast enough, huh?" It was fast enough for him to risk his life driving like a madman with the song blaring from his radio, but not fast enough to run to. We found some techno and I downloaded some of that, added it to my exercise playlist and now I run to a few more fun songs. I think he was getting tired of what was on my playlist...haha!!

On Friday night, he got off work at 9pm instead of 10. Mom and I went to the movies and I got out of the movie in time to get a smoothie with Mom and then pick Roberto up from work. A friend of his from work was fixing brakes on my PT Cruiser. They sounded awful!!! We raced home from his friend's house and this time I won. I usually never win. Roberto took a longer way home than I did. It's so funny how he competes in EVERYTHING!!!

Saturday we just hung around the house and did nothing. We slept in, which was nice because lately I have been getting to work early to make up hours for my birthday. So to sleep in felt SO good!!! I made lemon poppyseed muffins and took some up to Roberto for breakfast. I had told him that all I wanted for Valentine's day was a hand written love note. He sends me love notes on email, but one in his writing would mean a lot to me. We are really tight and I knew he couldn't spend money on a big dinner or flowers, so a hand written love note was what I wanted. For him, I had made hearts and had hidden them throughout his things so he would find them all week long. That was fun. He had to work from 3-10. When he got home, he put a piece of paper on the bed. I thought that was the love note, but it was a quiz he had given to the kids at work. He had told them stuff about South Africa and then quizzed them. It was hand written. He told me the answers to the questions I didn't know. I sat thinking that maybe he had forgotten about the note. Then he turned to his backpack and pulled out another piece of paper...BRAT!!! He looked at me with a mischievous grin and it was the love note. He told me later that he had purposely given me the South Africa quiz knowing I would think it was the love note and I would be wondering if he forgot. He had teased me that he would just write me a post-it note telling me he loved me. His love note was very sweet. Earlier in the day, he had given me a ring. A few months ago, he had bought a bunch of jewelry hoping to sell it online, but he keeps giving it to me instead. I told him I am running out of fingers. It was a very pretty topaz ring that sparkles brightly. I love it.

On Sunday he had to work as well, so after he left, I baked rolls and au gratin potatoes for a dinner at Barbi's. That was nice. Her kids love my rolls and potatoes. So when I bring them, they always say, "Are these YOUR rolls or potatoes?" when I say yes, they get all excited. Funny. Grandma was her usual wenchy self. I was leaving and making a point of saying good-bye to her because she always complains to Mom later if I don't say good-bye. She turned to me and asked me if I managed to get any dinner. I told her yes, I was able to eat. She said, "Good. Because you sure did enough talking! I thought you might not have been able to eat." I turned to see Ryan grinning like an idiot...grrrr!! I said, "Yes, Grandma, I managed to eat." Ryan yelled out, "She just talked with her mouth full." BRAT!!!

Roberto called me kind of upset while he was at work. One of his ex's daughters emailed him. It was his second wife's daughter. She wanted to apologize for her behavior towards him. She and her mother aren't speaking and she has realized how terrible she and her siblings were towards him. Roberto has been trying to put that whole incident behind him and to have this girl email him again, just kind of opened everything again. It really shook him up. I came by on my way to Barbi's to give him some of my rolls, which he loves and to give him a hug. He held tightly to me. When he got home last night, he was still kind of shaky. I fed him some macaroni and held him tightly. He's doing better now.

Today I tackled the basement. It has been a pit since we moved in. I just dumped everything where I could, hoping for the energy to organize it later. Today was the day. It looks like a whole different place. It took me 2 1/2 hours, but it's done. Now I know where everything is. I used to just go down there and dig through boxes to find stuff, but now I know where it all is and just have to go through drawers and organize those. That should be a lot easier work. Whew! What a job that was!!!

Tomorrow starts another week of work with possible drama. Rick is firing at least two people in our office. It's going to be bad, I can feel it. I'm not looking forward to that at all. I'm just glad it's not me. According to him, I do a great job and am secure. Whew!!!

Drama...

Wow...so it started on Monday. Emeli was in P.E. and she was backing up to catch the ball and backed up against the brick wall and smacked her head. She was very upset that her teacher had only said, "Watch for the wall..." in kind of a bored tone. So when she smacked her head, she was surprised and it really hurt. Then she was mad because no one took the time to feel sorry for her. When she got home, she was in a foul mood. She proceeded to try and take everyone with her. By the time I got home from work, she was fully in a snit. After dinner, I held her in my arms and let her cry about it for a little bit.

Emeli has been fighting a miserable cold with a lingering, hacking cough that doesn't really do anything except sound annoying. It doesn't actually come up, it just sits and tickles. Then, occasionally, she will feel crappy and headachy. So on Tuesday, she had Roberto come pick her up from school. Midway through the afternoon, it occurred to her that she would not be able to play with her friend, Alandra, and she must have been feeling better, so she asked Roberto to take her back to school. Nope. Roberto didn't buy that and told her to rest. She started to cry. Roberto didn't buy that, either. When Brett came home, Emeli was in another snit. She was watching TV. Brett thought that he would like to play the piano, so he asked Roberto if that was okay. Sometimes Roberto will sleep in the afternoons because of his weird work schedule. Roberto gave the okay, so Brett went downstairs and just turned the TV off. Of course that brought about a huge argument. Emeli called me at work. After hearing her sob in my ear, I asked her to get Brett on the phone. His opinion is that practicing a musical instrument is far more important than Emeli watching TV. I started to debate that and then Brett gave me a huge attitude. I ended up getting very attitudinal with him as well. Emeli called me back later to inform me that when Brett hung up the phone, he called her a bitch. Meanwhile, I am at work, trying to get things done. I hate being disturbed at work for trivial things. It's not professional. I look like an idiot. It reminds me of working with McKala, who used to have personal calls from her children several times a day over stupid things that could have been resolved without her.

On my home from work, I told Roberto all this drama. He was oblivious to it all. He asked me why the kids didn't involve him. He was kind of hurt that they would exclude him and go straight to me. I told him it was probably because they didn't want it resolved. They just wanted to vent and knew I couldn't do anything except say, "Now, you stop that!" If they involved Roberto, he would ground them both. They didn't want that. He agreed.

So after dinner, which Brett made ( I secretly think he was trying to make up for his stupidity in calling his sister a name), we had a nice discussion about the afternoon. It was resolved that from now on, Roberto would be the one to take care of things if he is home. They are not to call me at work unless someone is bleeding or the house is one fire. He told them that if he opens the door and comes down to deal with it, there will be crap. We all laughed. Right about now, my co-worker would do an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation of Roberto, which is hilarious. I also told them that the next person who calls the other sibling a name gets his/her mouth washed out with soap. Emeli has called Brett a fag and Brett has called Emeli a bitch. If anyone does any more name calling, they will meet me at the sink. I'm done with it.

Then Emeli tried to complain about name calling at her dad's house. I interrupted her to say that I do not have jurisdiction at her dad's home and I will not even go there. Emeli kind of slumped in her chair. I get the idea that there is not a lot of consistent discipline in that home.

Today I went to the doctor for a very painful bladder infection. This is the fourth one in two years. I have not had this many ever. I usually get one every few years. The doctor told me that there are two groups of women that get that many UTI's. Twenty-something girls who are newly sexually active and women my age whose hormones levels are lowering. I think I would prefer to be in the first group of women. I have been struggling with this UTI for almost two weeks. It has been very bad. He came in and told me that I am either very tough or very foolish. I told him I am both. He laughed. He said that I had very high levels of puss and bacteria in my urine. How nice. All I know is that it was hurting like a mother to pee and I had to pee often and had a moment's notice. It's really bad at work when the bathroom is far away. I would find myself almost running the last few feet to the bathroom. But you can't run because then you shake up your bladder and you wet your pants, so you have to do a very careful walk to the bathroom. There were a couple of close calls, let me tell you!!! But now I am on meds and should be better in no time. The doctor even gave me refills so I don't have to go to the doctor the next time I get one, because there will be a next time!!! And the meds only cost $4 at WalMart. Yeah!!!

Birthday...

I haven't blogged for a while, so I guess there is quite a bit to catch up on.

On Thursday, I turned 45 years old. Not too happy about that age. But I am happier and healthier than I have been in years. So I can be grateful for that.

We went to the Draper Temple open house and met Rachelle and her family there. That temple is huge and gorgeous. The kids were so good and so quiet. I was really impressed. Afterwards, we went to IKEA and looked around. We had lunch in their cafeteria. The day before, Rachelle and I had been joking on facebook that for my birthday, she would give me one of her meatballs from her lunch. So while we were eating, she took one of the meatballs off her plate that had a toothpick in it with the little tassles on it and gave it to me. We laughed about that. Roberto just kind of chuckles and shakes his head. I am wanting to get back into painting furniture, but this time selling it on etsy.com, so we were looking at possible painting projects for me. After IKEA, we met back up at our house in Springville. They beat us there and had time to chat with the kids before we arrived. Rachelle was laughing about how I want to paint everything. The kids laughingly told her that she should have seen our old house with the red, gold, and chalk board walls. I love color.

That morning, Roberto surprised me with an amethyst ring. It was very pretty. I love amethysts. He knows that, so he goes on his jewelry site and buys me amethysts. He likes tanzanites, so he also buys me those. I have never had more jewelry in my life. I am truly spoiled.

Over the weekend, I got a ton done. On Sunday, while Brett and Emeli played Monopoly, I cut out hearts. I also created a little Valentine wall upstairs. During the week, we are supposed to write things we love about each other on hearts and put them under each other's names. It's been cute to see what we write. I also cut out a bunch of hearts and wrote things I love about Roberto on them. Then I hid them all around. All week long, he will find these hearts stashed in different places and know what I love about him. Last night he found one and was so cute. He was looking for more of them. He looked like a little boy looking for Easter eggs. There are still about 5 more for him to find. I might hide some more, too, just so it lasts all week. He's so dang cute.

I have had a bladder infection and it's painful. Last night when I was running, it was all I could do to stay on the trampoline. We don't have insurance, nor do we have any money for me to go to the doctor, so I am enduring this until we have the funds. Friday morning I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself and Roberto held me. I bought cranberry juice and have been drinking that like crazy, but it's not going away. I am going to need antibiotics.

I sent out valentines to the boys. It's this time of year that I miss them. I used to make a huge dinner for the family and give everyone a valentine. I will miss that this year because the kids will be with their dad and Roberto has to work Saturday night AND Sunday night. But we both have Monday off, so maybe I can postpone our dinner until Monday night.

Gran Torino

We saw the movie "Gran Torino" with Clint Eastwood yesterday. His character reminded me of Dad so much! His build, his attitude, his hands, his hair, his sarcasm. I missed him so much after that movie, because I would have loved to have talked to him. We saw the movie with Rachelle and Jason. There was a man sitting below us who was all alone. Rachelle commented on that and I told her how dad would go to the movies alone on Sundays and tell us it was his church. Sometimes I miss Dad so much.

I remember going to the movies with him on a Sunday afternoon. He wouldn't just go to one movie. He would go to as many as three movies. If you went with him, he would buy you popcorn, a drink, candy and he would sneak in food from Smith's. He loved to get egg rolls, wrap them up in napkins and hide them in his coat pocket and eat them during the movie. He would order a huge Coke with "little ice" and he was in heaven. I just loved being with him. If there was a funny part in the movie, he would throw his head back and laugh out loud, loud enough for the whole entire theater to hear him. And, he would laugh longer than anyone else, too. Everyone was done laughing and he would still be laughing. I would nudge him with my elbow and he would laugh even harder because he knew I was telling him to be quiet. I would give anything to be able to sit in the movie theater and hear his laughter again! Whenever a black person would appear in the film, he would say, "Yeesss, massah!" in a ghetto accent. He would say it just loud enough for anyone around him to hear and we would turn to him and say, "DAD!!!" I was afraid that one day he would get beat up. He was such a brat.

His favorite thing to do was to order root beer and then complain because the establishment didn't have root beer. He would ask to speak to the manager and complain. If they gave him too much ice in his drink, he would complain about that. If we were in a restaurant and he thought the music was too loud, he would complain. I suspect that he would do all that just when we were around, just for show.

I miss walking into his video store in Alpine and him calling out, "Hey Jud!" or him saying, "That's my girl..." I used to love to talk to him on the phone. I could tell him anything and he wouldn't judge me. He wouldn't tell my mom, either. I remember telling him about a man that I had a crush on when I was married to Fred. I told Dad how unhappy I was with Fred. Dad got mad at me. He told me that I needed to leave that situation. I would ruin the best thing I had...my family. I would lose my kids. He knew how important my children were to me, that they were everything to me and he respected me as a mother. He often told me I was a good mother. I followed Dad's advise and got out of that job.

When I was first married to Fred, I called Dad crying. I told him I never see my husband, how unhappy I was about that. I expected him to feel sorry for me and side with me. Instead, he yelled at me. He told me to grow up. He told me that I got married and I had to live with that decision. I needed to support my husband and let him provide for me. I will never forget that. Dad would listen to me, but he always reserved the right to tell me when I was wrong. He wouldn't mince words, either.

Roberto is like that. I will whine to him about something and he will tell it like it is, too. I like that. I don't like it when people try and spare my feelings and tell me stupid stuff just to make me feel better. I have always been honest with myself and I appreciate it when people are honest with me as well.

I always felt safe with Dad. I knew he would protect me. I knew he would give me the shirt off his back. When he passed away, he waited until I could be there. He held on to the very last second until I came into the room. I held him in my arms as his spirit left his body. He waited for me and I will never forget that.

Towards the end of his life, I made a point of telling him I loved him when I spoke with him. One time I called and said, "Dad, remember that I love you." He had alzheimer's and forgot things all the time. He started to chant, " I remember. I remember." in a sing song voice that was pretty funny. But I knew that he was losing his mind and if he was in his right mind, he would NEVER do anything that silly.

I used to call him "old man" when I addressed him and he thought that was funny. I would say things like, "Listen, old man..." and he would laugh out loud. He loved it when we would banter and I would come back with something witty. I learned about sarcasm and witty repartee from him. He was awesome. I miss him a lot.

Thursday

On Tuesday, we took Emeli to her therapy appointment. That was interesting. She went in with the therapist for about half an hour and then the therapist asked me to come in. Roberto was there too, so Emeli asked him to come in as well. She is very comfortable with him.

Emeli ran to the bathroom, so the therapist took that moment to ask about my concerns with Emeli. I told her I just want to help her get over what happened to her. The therapist nodded. I was not aware that Emeli had told her anything about it yet. The last time I had talked with Emeli, she had told me she didn't tell her anything. Emeli is kind of quiet about what goes on in there. I respect that. The therapist told me that Emeli has told her everything about it. I am relieved about that. I want Emeli to talk to someone about Alex and to find solutions for getting over such a terrible event.

When Emeli got back into the office, there was only the couch and Roberto and I were sitting there. Roberto and I scooted over and Emeli plopped right up against Roberto and kind of lay against him with his arm around her. Very cozy looking. We talked about how Roberto has PTSD, how he understands what it is like having parents who are separated, how I don't understand that, how hard it is to see parents fighting like Fred and I do. We talked about all the nice people Roberto has brought into Emeli's life. She LOVES Roberto's daughter, Rachelle and Rachelle's husband and kids. She also loves Roberto's South African friends who live here in Utah. We talked about how Fred can't communicate with me without wanting to throw accusations in my face from the past. We talked about how Roberto has become the go between for us because he won't take any of Fred's crap and Fred knows it. Fred has a healthy respect for Roberto. Roberto had to get tough with him, but now Fred doesn't do stupid intimidating things to me anymore.

Emeli and Roberto had picked me up from work, so we had to go back to my work to get the truck. Roberto drove that. Emeli and I drove the Cruiser. Of course, Roberto raced out of the parking lot wanting to beat us home. The kids love how we always race each other if we are driving separate cars. It gave Emeli and I a chance to chat about things.

Her therapist told Emeli she has had a hard life with lots of change in the last two years. She has been raped, gone through a divorce, moved three times, changed schools twice, adjusted to two step parents and step siblings. I told her that it was a good thing we left Washington. If we didn't leave, she would have to see Alex all the time walking around the streets, at church, at school, etc. It would be so uncomfortable. She agreed. She said she finally is glad to be in Utah. That's a relief because she has really struggled with Utah. So has Brett. I also said, "If we didn't leave Washington, we would never have met Roberto." She agreed and said, "Roberto... yeah, we never would have had him." Then she told me how she appreciated that she got to know Roberto before I married him and I was constantly asking her how she liked him. She told me that her dad just surprised all the kids with Cozette. He didn't ask what they thought. He just showed her to them and got married.

My boss was talking about how he doesn't think children need to be respectful to their step parents. I disagree. I told him that Roberto pays for their support, so they need to obey him like a father figure. If I ever heard them say, "You're not my dad. I don't need to listen to you." I would be livid. They know that. Plus, they respect him for working hard and for his character. He is firm but fair. He doesn't yell, doesn't throw tantrums. He just speaks firmly and is consistent. They know what he likes and what he doesn't like. He doesn't let Emeli talk back to me, either. Then my boss asked me how I feel about Cozette disciplining Emeli. I told him I don't have a problem with that. When she is in their house, she follows their rules. I only have a problem if she tries to tell Emeli things about me to hurt Emeli. Then I get mad. She's done that before and I called her on it. It has stopped. Cozette's children told Fred, "You're not my dad..." I told Emeli that that is unacceptable. Cozette should not allow her children to speak to Fred that way. My boss said, "That's fine, but wait until they are sixteen." I said, "My son is sixteen. If I ever heard him talk to Roberto like that, I would be on him in two seconds. He can be angry with Roberto, but he will show him respect and be polite." My boss finally agreed with that.

According to the therapist, it is rare for the step parents to get as much support as the kids and I give Roberto. The mom usually sides with the kids. I will side with the kids if I think he is being unreasonable. But I won't do it in front of them. Roberto and I will talk about it later, in private. We have had a couple situations like that. I have told Roberto he was being harsh and he had forgotten what it's like to be a kid and he has agreed and apologized later. He came from a very rigid upbringing and I have to remind him how rigid it was and how unhappy he was because of it. It's funny how, as parents, we always go back to how our parents did it even if we hated how they did it and completely disagree with it. I often have to stop myself from saying things my parents said or from doing things they did. I'm sure my kids will too.

Grrrr.....

My boss is an ass. I came in work today and had a phone message waiting for me. It was regarding an order we are processing for the county of Pierce in Washington State. It has been a pain in the butt since we first started on it. I was doing three different things yesterday and forgot to reference a number on our purchase order. Plus, some of the pricing was wrong. I admit I made a mistake. I told my boss and he immediately tore into me. Then he said, "...and you go home and complain to Roberto that I am hard on you..." I ignored that because I didn't want to say something and get fired. Because if I had said what I wanted to say, I would have been fired. Not only that, it would have contained a lot of profanity.

Now, if I go home and tell Roberto what he said, Roberto will want to come in and slam him against the wall. Roberto already held him around the neck when we were out in California. It was a subtle man's way of saying, "Watch it." Rick got the message.

When Heather came in, he was still snippy. She went in with her tight shirt and flirted him out of the snippiness. Then he told us he wanted to go for re-fills. Lately he has taken us to this gas station for re-fills. Heather and I used to walk to the cafeteria and get them. Since Mesha left, Rick has started going with us to the gas station. He pays, which is nice. But it's almost like when I go, I'm saying his treatment of me is okay. During the trip, we also went by some apartments in Provo to check them out because he is going to try and do wireless for them for a company we work with. Everytime I opened my mouth to say anything, he shot down what I was saying. He'll say, "Yeah, yeah..." and then either disagree with me or mock what I'm saying. He doesn't do this to Heather. Everything she says is cool. He agrees with everything she says.

If I kept a notebook of the sexual things he says on a daily basis, I would never have to work again. I could sue Novacoast for harassment a million times over. But since I don't stand up to him at the time, it would never fly in court. Not only that, I don't want to go through all that crap. I've done that before and it's not worth it.

So I shut up and stop talking. When that happens, Heather knows what is going on. She tries to cheer me up. Rick is oblivious. He continues to mock me. As we were walking toward the building, he was walking in my footsteps in the snow and mocking the way I walk. If I could be allowed to speak my mind for one moment, I would turn on the asshole and slug him right in his gut. I would kick him right in the crotch and then shove him into the snow.

I know why he does it. He's like some stupid high school boy who has a crush on you, but can't express it in a normal way. Sometimes I just sit here and fume and dream of finding another job. But the market is so bad and we can't afford for me to not work until I find another job. So I can't just tell him to shove it. I would like to, but I can't. When I do quit, I will just up and quit. No notice. Nothing. I'll have another job and I'll leave Rick high and dry.

Blah...

Once a month, in fact, every 28 days to be exact, I go through a metamorphosis. It's enough to drive everyone in the family crazy, especially me. I feel like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. For 25 days, I am normal, even keeled Dr. Jekyl, but then three days out of the month, I turn into Mr. Hyde and people run for cover. This weekend was one of those times. I can usually feel it coming on a day before. It's like someone has peeled back my skin and exposed every nerve ending. Loud noises make me jumpy, people irritate me easily and I just want to bite someone. I usually alert Roberto by saying, "I want to bite someone real bad..."and he ALWAYS says, "Don't bite me. I bite back." True. He does.

My moods used to scare my ex. They don't scare Roberto. He either avoids me or he snaps right back. That's something I have never experienced. Usually people run for cover. Not Roberto. He also points out the flaws in my logic. There are always flaws in my logic. I'm not thinking straight and it's obvious. Everything bothers me. Everything hurts my feelings. I appreciate that Roberto will stand up to me. Few people do when I am like this.

The thing that pisses me off the most is that a whole weekend was wasted. I spent a lot of the time in bed, avoiding people. I did have a good practice session on the piano, which always helps clear my head. I sit at the piano and my thoughts start to flow and I can put things in perspective. I mopped the kitchen floor, did all my laundry, vacuumed and tidied the house. All that adrenalin coursing through me put to good use.

I went to WalMart and found myself scowling the entire time. I was alone, which is a good thing, because no one would have found my company very pleasant. The worst thing is that pretty soon I'm so grumpy that everyone around me becomes grumpy and then I start to get more irritated. It's like a chain reaction.

Probably the one who is affected by it the worst is Emeli. She gets ignored for a while and watches a lot of TV. Not only that, she starts to get whiney because she is bored and wanting my company (which, if she were smart, she would figure isn't always a good thing at the time). Her whininess sets me off and the two of us start fighting. Whew! When the two of us fight, that's not good. Not only that, I suspect that she gets a little emotional when I do because that's the nature of women who live together. She may not be going through a cycle, but she has cycles. Hers always match mine. I know it will only get better...

Brett usually will ask me what's wrong. I will tell him and then that's the last I hear of him until my cycle is over. Smart boy. He's one of the "run for cover" types. It's safe and he doesn't get hurt that way.

Not only am I battling my cycle, the weather for the whole weekend has been Seattle type weather. Overcast, rainy and cold. That kind of weather used to bother me in Seattle and it is bothering me still. In our last house, if it started raining, I knew we would have leaky places in the house. Our roof was in desperate need of repair and our landlord was very slow to fix things. So when I hear rain, my first reaction is always to worry; then I realize I am in a nice, leak-proof house and I settle down. Listening to the rain at night is soothing when I know it's not leaking in my bedroom, my kitchen or my front room somewhere. Plus, it's melting the snow.

I gazed out the window for a good half hour tonight, just analyzing my thoughts, the weekend and how I feel about things. I am always glad when I can go back to being calm Dr. Jekyl again. Dr. Jekyl usually has damage control to take care of after Mr. Hyde has been let loose for two or three days.

Wow...it really sucks to be a woman sometimes.