I'm sitting here alone, thinking about things as I stitch. I love stitching because it helps clear my head. It requires perfection or you have to tear the whole thing out. I like that. I am not usually a detail oriented person, but in needlework, you have to be, and to me, that is very therapeutic. It soothes me.
So I'm sitting here thinking about my children.
I know Taylor reads this blog and I want him to read this...
As soon as I found out I was pregnant with Taylor, I was scared out of my mind. I wasn't worried about having a child to raise. I had always known I wanted to be a mom. I was terrified of the pain. They had shown so many movies in high school about women having babies, that I was pretty converted to the idea of abstinence (which was their goal).
Before Taylor was born, I had thought I would work still. I would drop him off at a babysitter and work. I was pretty sure that's what I would do.
The moment Taylor came out, I knew I would never leave him with anyone. He was my child and I would raise him. I was in love instantly. He was a beautiful ten pound baby with an olive complexion and little slanted eyes. He looked like a little Indian baby. I had a C-Section, so I was in the hospital for three days. It was a total love fest. I held him as much as I could. When we left the hospital, people were telling me I was going to spoil him from holding him so much, but I didn't listen. I didn't care. I had done a lot of research and I had learned that you can't spoil a newborn. They need to know their little world is safe and that they are cherished and cherish is what I did. My sisters would get very upset with me because I would not let them hold him. My dad finally had to get after me. I will never forget how he said to me, "Judi, he is NOT the Christ child. Let your sisters hold your baby!" To me, he was the Christ child.
Taylor had a very sweet, obedient nature. He was a sponge. I would talk to him and he would just eat it up. He loved to be held and pet. I used to call him my "petting boy" because he loved to have me stroke his back and rub lotion all over his little body. Taylor was also a very sober child when he was little. It's like he knew the purpose of life even at a very young age. There were a few close calls for him. He was spared each time and I know it's because he has something to accomplish. He is meant for greatness. I have always known that.
I am excessively proud of Taylor and always have been. He has always had an inner confidence like he knows who he is and that God expects great things of him. I know he's right. I loved nothing more than having Taylor at home, on the computer in the front room listening to his music or showing me a new band he had discovered. I loved going into his room and listening to new songs or new previews for movies. I loved having his friends over and listening to them laugh and talk. I loved hearing him play his guitar at nights, even though I would tell him to stop at 10pm. I miss that a lot. Sometimes just the memories of that tug at my heart strings and I get misty eyed.
I love Freddy. Freddy had such a peaceful spirit when I was pregnant with him. I could feel it. He was such a sweet baby. He came at a very difficult time in my life. I was going through a lot of emotional upheaval. He was my easiest baby. That was a blessing.
Freddy had these huge, brown eyes that could melt anyone's heart. Those eyes hid the mischievous little spirit that dwells inside. Freddy may have looked sweet, but he was a devil child when he was younger. No child has tested my patience like Freddy, yet I love Freddy more than life itself.
Because Freddy has gone through a lot, he has empathy for others. He reminds me of my dad in that respect. He always cheers for the underdog and I love that about him. When I was going through the roughest time in my life, Freddy was there for me and I will never forget that.
Brett was a joy to raise. Brett was my little buddy when he was very young. He was an adorable baby. When he was eleven months old, I prayed to God that Brett would never grow up, but that he would stay this precious the rest of his life. Of course, that prayer went unanswered.
When I was pregnant with Emeli, Brett and I would "take a snooze" every day. He loved to be on a schedule and would ask me when we could take our nap if I was behind schedule. We would climb into bed together and he would throw his leg over my hip and we would sleep that way. It was so sweet.
Brett is very intelligent. I am amazed at how easily he takes tests and how easily he can pull his grades up. He remembers facts. He has a very compassionate side. He is very good with Emeli. The two of them are hilarious together at times.
Emeli was a very pleasant surprise. I thought I was done. I had three boys and I was good with that. I was told she would probably be a girl, but I didn't want to get my hopes up.
When she was born, they yelled out, "It's a girl!" and I started to cry and sob for joy. The nurses all made fun of me for crying when I was happy. But I was ecstatic.
I had no idea how wonderful it would be to have a daughter. Boys are great, but girls are awesome. I had someone who thought like me. She liked girlie things just like me. She has a sweet, compassionate nature. She is accepting of me and is easy to be around.
As she is maturing, I see a young woman who will be a great mother, friend and nurturer to the world. Children are naturally attracted to her tenderness. She has a beautiful spirit. She loves people and animals.
She is artistic, musical, smart, sassy and a lot of fun.
I love my children. I have always taken parenting very seriously. I knew who gave me these little spirits to raise and I know who I am accountable to when I die and report back. I will have to explain what I did with my children and how I raised them. When I would get mad or yell or spank the kids too much, I always felt a set of eyes watching me and I knew when those eyes were not pleased with my behavior.
I feel so grateful and blessed to be a mother. I am grateful for the four children I was blessed to raise. To me, the best thing I could ever be called is Mother. I have always been proud to be a mother. I would not trade that gift for anything in the world. I adore my children and hope they never doubt that.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
July 3, 2009
I haven't blogged in a while. Mostly it's because life has been very stressful and when it gets stressful, I don't like to blog. I find myself just vomiting negative feelings and that's no fun for anyone to read.
Last Sunday Rachelle and her family came to visit. They stayed overnight and went to the Provo airport to the airshow on Monday. It was a nice day. We had set up a dart board in the basement. I had gotten Robby the dart board for Father's Day. He is very good at darts and always beats me! He has really good aim. I just kind of shoot from the hip. It was a relaxing visit and I enjoyed it thoroughly. While I was in the kitchen getting things ready for dinner, D'Jayden and Zoe kept climbing on the step ladder I have right by my sink. They would stand there and play in the bubbles of my dish water or just play with the tap. It reminded me of my kids. It was cute. I wished they lived closer. I would have them over to visit more often.
The last two weeks of work have been pretty busy. But I like it that way. When there is nothing to do, I go crazy. Yesterday was a pretty crazy day. It seemed like every time I turned around, there was another PO arriving in the fax. My job is to process those PO's. And of course, every PO that came had issues.
Heather and I play darts every day at work. One day we decided that whoever lost at darts would have to ask Bill about his cats. Bill is a whole other blog. Short version: Bill is fat, gross, has said some pretty creepy things to me, smells and if you get him talking about his cats, he could go on and on. I lost that game. Of course, everyone in the office thought that was hilarious, except Bill because he didn't know that he was part of the consequence. So I just casually asked him about his cats when I asked him about the phone calls he was making. I document his phone calls, so it's natural for me to ask him about his phone calls. He has a picture frame next to his monitor with a cat picture in it. I asked him about his cats and sure enough, I got way more information than I ever wanted to know. Then he picked up his frame and pulled out ALL the pictures that are behind the one picture that is showing. He changed the picture to his other cat. After that, I won about four games in a row. So Heather has had to come to work with no make up, do the robot in the cafeteria for 30 seconds, ask Rick his opinion on something (which is almost as bad as asking Bill about his cats), and flirt with Todd (a creepy Novell guy who is a perv). I have had to come to work with my hair in three pony tails, bring cookies to work and eat something off Bill's chair. That one was completely gross because there's a stain on his chair. Robby told me he would not kiss me anymore after I ate something off Bill's chair. Yesterday we played and the consequence was the person who lost has to sell lemonade to three people in the breakroom. We tied that game, so we put that consequence back in the cup to be drawn again...yikes! It is hard coming up with consequences for the loser, but it's hilarious.
I adore Heather. She is young enough to be my daughter and I feel kind of like her mother. We have a hilarious relationship. We met when I was working at Evans' Construction. It was funny when I first met her. I could tell that she is the type who doesn't open up right away. You have to earn her trust. She also thought I was a Molly. A lot of people think that of me. She soon got to know me and found out that I can be VERY irreverent. I left Evans because I couldn't handle it there. I hated that job. So did she. When I found Novacoast, I told her about it and she got hired too. So I have known her for about 1 1/2 years. She is my best friend out here. We have so many inside jokes. But I worry about her. She is a wild thing. She is married in the temple, yet she doesn't wear her garments. She has an occasional drink and I am afraid that she is having an affair. She has become pretty secretive. The mother in me recognizes that behavior. Yesterday she wore a very low cut shirt that showed a lot of cleavage. When I first saw her, I let my eyes bug out and said, "Wow!" Then I grabbed a post it note and put it in her cleavage. She laughed really hard. Later I wrote on an index card "Do not look here" and we put it in her shirt. My boss, who is a complete perv, said "Now I DEFINITELY won't look there!" He spent a lot of time talking to her in her office yesterday...
All week Emeli has been at girls' camp. She was so nervous all last weekend. She was convinced she would be homesick and want to come home. I kept telling her that she would have so much fun she would forget that she had a mother. I dropped her off on Monday morning and all day Monday I worried about her. Our home teacher went up on Tuesday to stay for the day. I called him on Wednesday to see if I needed to get a note to Emeli. Sometimes they collect letters from the moms and give them to the girls the last night at camp. I thought how terrible it would be if Emeli was the only girl there without a note. He told me she had seen him and told him to tell me that she was doing well. That reassured me. I could breath easier. I had been really worried that she would feel left out or lonely or homesick. She comes home today at 11am and I'm looking forward to spending some time with her. She has been at her dad's for two weeks and then went to girls' camp, so I haven't really seen a lot of her for the last three weeks. I miss her.
Last Sunday Rachelle and her family came to visit. They stayed overnight and went to the Provo airport to the airshow on Monday. It was a nice day. We had set up a dart board in the basement. I had gotten Robby the dart board for Father's Day. He is very good at darts and always beats me! He has really good aim. I just kind of shoot from the hip. It was a relaxing visit and I enjoyed it thoroughly. While I was in the kitchen getting things ready for dinner, D'Jayden and Zoe kept climbing on the step ladder I have right by my sink. They would stand there and play in the bubbles of my dish water or just play with the tap. It reminded me of my kids. It was cute. I wished they lived closer. I would have them over to visit more often.
The last two weeks of work have been pretty busy. But I like it that way. When there is nothing to do, I go crazy. Yesterday was a pretty crazy day. It seemed like every time I turned around, there was another PO arriving in the fax. My job is to process those PO's. And of course, every PO that came had issues.
Heather and I play darts every day at work. One day we decided that whoever lost at darts would have to ask Bill about his cats. Bill is a whole other blog. Short version: Bill is fat, gross, has said some pretty creepy things to me, smells and if you get him talking about his cats, he could go on and on. I lost that game. Of course, everyone in the office thought that was hilarious, except Bill because he didn't know that he was part of the consequence. So I just casually asked him about his cats when I asked him about the phone calls he was making. I document his phone calls, so it's natural for me to ask him about his phone calls. He has a picture frame next to his monitor with a cat picture in it. I asked him about his cats and sure enough, I got way more information than I ever wanted to know. Then he picked up his frame and pulled out ALL the pictures that are behind the one picture that is showing. He changed the picture to his other cat. After that, I won about four games in a row. So Heather has had to come to work with no make up, do the robot in the cafeteria for 30 seconds, ask Rick his opinion on something (which is almost as bad as asking Bill about his cats), and flirt with Todd (a creepy Novell guy who is a perv). I have had to come to work with my hair in three pony tails, bring cookies to work and eat something off Bill's chair. That one was completely gross because there's a stain on his chair. Robby told me he would not kiss me anymore after I ate something off Bill's chair. Yesterday we played and the consequence was the person who lost has to sell lemonade to three people in the breakroom. We tied that game, so we put that consequence back in the cup to be drawn again...yikes! It is hard coming up with consequences for the loser, but it's hilarious.
I adore Heather. She is young enough to be my daughter and I feel kind of like her mother. We have a hilarious relationship. We met when I was working at Evans' Construction. It was funny when I first met her. I could tell that she is the type who doesn't open up right away. You have to earn her trust. She also thought I was a Molly. A lot of people think that of me. She soon got to know me and found out that I can be VERY irreverent. I left Evans because I couldn't handle it there. I hated that job. So did she. When I found Novacoast, I told her about it and she got hired too. So I have known her for about 1 1/2 years. She is my best friend out here. We have so many inside jokes. But I worry about her. She is a wild thing. She is married in the temple, yet she doesn't wear her garments. She has an occasional drink and I am afraid that she is having an affair. She has become pretty secretive. The mother in me recognizes that behavior. Yesterday she wore a very low cut shirt that showed a lot of cleavage. When I first saw her, I let my eyes bug out and said, "Wow!" Then I grabbed a post it note and put it in her cleavage. She laughed really hard. Later I wrote on an index card "Do not look here" and we put it in her shirt. My boss, who is a complete perv, said "Now I DEFINITELY won't look there!" He spent a lot of time talking to her in her office yesterday...
All week Emeli has been at girls' camp. She was so nervous all last weekend. She was convinced she would be homesick and want to come home. I kept telling her that she would have so much fun she would forget that she had a mother. I dropped her off on Monday morning and all day Monday I worried about her. Our home teacher went up on Tuesday to stay for the day. I called him on Wednesday to see if I needed to get a note to Emeli. Sometimes they collect letters from the moms and give them to the girls the last night at camp. I thought how terrible it would be if Emeli was the only girl there without a note. He told me she had seen him and told him to tell me that she was doing well. That reassured me. I could breath easier. I had been really worried that she would feel left out or lonely or homesick. She comes home today at 11am and I'm looking forward to spending some time with her. She has been at her dad's for two weeks and then went to girls' camp, so I haven't really seen a lot of her for the last three weeks. I miss her.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Buttons
On Friday we surprised Emeli with a hamster.
We went to a wedding of a co-worker of Roberto's. His name is Tony. He grew up in So Cal around Compton and had a pretty rough childhood. He spent a lot of time in youth detention centers and then served a four year prison term as an adult. He had married Kim, but when he went to prison, Kim divorced him. After his prison term, they got back together and were living together. They moved to Utah and met the missionaries. Now they are wanting to get married, because they can't be living together if they want to get baptized. So they got married and will get baptized on the 13th. Roberto gives him a ride to work sometimes.
After the wedding, we drove up to Orem to "run an errand" but didn't tell Emeli what it was. When we pulled into the Petsmart parking lot, she was delighted. She knew she was either going to get new fish or a hamster. We had kind of toyed with the idea of a hamster, but had told her they stink so we didn't really want one.
That afternoon, Roberto had bought the aquarium, shavings, food, dish, water bottle, etc. He didn't tell her, though. He kept all that in the car.
We got to Petsmart and looked around. Then we asked Emeli to pick out a hamster. They were all so darn cute. She chose one, they boxed it up for her and we were leaving and she asked us about a cage. Roberto just kind of brushed that off and said, "We'll go look for one tomorrow. Tonight he can just sleep in a big glass jar or something." Emeli believed that.
When we got home, Roberto asked her to help him unload some stuff out of the back of the car. She was surprised to see all the stuff. She turned around and gave Roberto a huge hug.
We got the hamster all set up and in his little habitat. Emeli decided to name him Buttons because that is the name of the little girl's hamster on "Making Fiends". Buttons is really cute.
Yesterday Roberto was lying on the bed and holding the hamster and letting it run all over his chest. Buttons pooped on him five different times, so Roberto decided it was time to put the hamster away...hahaha!!!
Buttons likes Emeli. He will let her reach in and stroke his back and stays there for it. When I reach in, he always runs...hm. So Emeli is delighted that Buttons likes her better.
She is so cute with her hamster and tells me all the time how much she loves him.
We went to a wedding of a co-worker of Roberto's. His name is Tony. He grew up in So Cal around Compton and had a pretty rough childhood. He spent a lot of time in youth detention centers and then served a four year prison term as an adult. He had married Kim, but when he went to prison, Kim divorced him. After his prison term, they got back together and were living together. They moved to Utah and met the missionaries. Now they are wanting to get married, because they can't be living together if they want to get baptized. So they got married and will get baptized on the 13th. Roberto gives him a ride to work sometimes.
After the wedding, we drove up to Orem to "run an errand" but didn't tell Emeli what it was. When we pulled into the Petsmart parking lot, she was delighted. She knew she was either going to get new fish or a hamster. We had kind of toyed with the idea of a hamster, but had told her they stink so we didn't really want one.
That afternoon, Roberto had bought the aquarium, shavings, food, dish, water bottle, etc. He didn't tell her, though. He kept all that in the car.
We got to Petsmart and looked around. Then we asked Emeli to pick out a hamster. They were all so darn cute. She chose one, they boxed it up for her and we were leaving and she asked us about a cage. Roberto just kind of brushed that off and said, "We'll go look for one tomorrow. Tonight he can just sleep in a big glass jar or something." Emeli believed that.
When we got home, Roberto asked her to help him unload some stuff out of the back of the car. She was surprised to see all the stuff. She turned around and gave Roberto a huge hug.
We got the hamster all set up and in his little habitat. Emeli decided to name him Buttons because that is the name of the little girl's hamster on "Making Fiends". Buttons is really cute.
Yesterday Roberto was lying on the bed and holding the hamster and letting it run all over his chest. Buttons pooped on him five different times, so Roberto decided it was time to put the hamster away...hahaha!!!
Buttons likes Emeli. He will let her reach in and stroke his back and stays there for it. When I reach in, he always runs...hm. So Emeli is delighted that Buttons likes her better.
She is so cute with her hamster and tells me all the time how much she loves him.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Scary dinner...
So I had the scariest thing last night at dinner. I was laughing and talking with Emeli about my co-worker, Bill. He had been farting all day in the office. They were the silent and deadly ones that would waft over to our corners of the office and we constantly had to spray room freshener all over the place. So I was relating that to Emeli and laughing. I took a deep breath and sucked in a piece of hamburger into my airway.
I stood up to catch my breath and sucked it even more into my airway. I was gasping and unable to get a breath and couldn't breathe through my nose, either. As I was literally wheezing and trying to get air past the piece of hamburger, Emeli started to freak out.
Her worst nightmare is that something will happen to me and I will die. So she ran through the house screaming Brett's name and crying at the same time. She ran upstairs and was running around on the landing upstairs screaming and crying. Meanwhile, Brett was down in the dungeon playing a video game, completely unaware. The dungeon is sound proof with cement walls so he heard nothing of what was going on.
I stood there trying to get air and knew that if I didn't do something quick, I was going to die. It was the most frightening thought. I still have a lot to do and I did not want to die right there in my kitchen with a piece of hamburger wedged in my airway.
I wrapped my hands into a fist and threw myself against my fist and the back of my chair. The hamburger piece went sailing out of my mouth and I could breathe. I stood there gasping air into my lungs and then went looking for Emeli. She was up on the landing just crying and screaming. She saw me at the bottom of the stairs and started crying in relief. I called her down to talk.
She was shaking and hysterical still. I held her and told her that it was okay. I was able to help myself. I said I'm a big girl and knew what to do. I explained the Heimlich maneuver and how I did it. I told her that from now on, she needs to stay and help rather than run screaming through the house. I showed her how to do the Heimlich.
Then I told her that it is obviously not my time to go yet. Heavenly Father spared me because I still have stuff I need to do, so she doesn't need to worry that I'm going to die anytime soon. If it were my time, Heavenly Father could have taken me right there, so she can stop worrying.
I sat back down to eat, but Emeli wouldn't let me eat. She told me to eat carefully and not talk while I was eating.
This morning she wrote me a note telling me to call her if anything happens to me and to always chew first and then I can talk. Funny girl. I reminded her that I have been around her for 11 years and nothing like that has ever happened and that I'm a big girl and I'll be okay. She worries so much.
So now I have a sore throat from wheezing and my stomach hurts right under my rib cage from where I hurled myself against the chair back. Emeli has a sore throat too. We figure it's from the screaming. A good reminder to always be careful when eating.
I looked up Heimlich after my experience and found out that lots of people die from that kind of thing because they panic and pass out and don't have the presence of mind or the time to give themselves the Heimlich. I am grateful that I was granted the presence of mind to stay calm and do what needed to be done to save myself.
I stood up to catch my breath and sucked it even more into my airway. I was gasping and unable to get a breath and couldn't breathe through my nose, either. As I was literally wheezing and trying to get air past the piece of hamburger, Emeli started to freak out.
Her worst nightmare is that something will happen to me and I will die. So she ran through the house screaming Brett's name and crying at the same time. She ran upstairs and was running around on the landing upstairs screaming and crying. Meanwhile, Brett was down in the dungeon playing a video game, completely unaware. The dungeon is sound proof with cement walls so he heard nothing of what was going on.
I stood there trying to get air and knew that if I didn't do something quick, I was going to die. It was the most frightening thought. I still have a lot to do and I did not want to die right there in my kitchen with a piece of hamburger wedged in my airway.
I wrapped my hands into a fist and threw myself against my fist and the back of my chair. The hamburger piece went sailing out of my mouth and I could breathe. I stood there gasping air into my lungs and then went looking for Emeli. She was up on the landing just crying and screaming. She saw me at the bottom of the stairs and started crying in relief. I called her down to talk.
She was shaking and hysterical still. I held her and told her that it was okay. I was able to help myself. I said I'm a big girl and knew what to do. I explained the Heimlich maneuver and how I did it. I told her that from now on, she needs to stay and help rather than run screaming through the house. I showed her how to do the Heimlich.
Then I told her that it is obviously not my time to go yet. Heavenly Father spared me because I still have stuff I need to do, so she doesn't need to worry that I'm going to die anytime soon. If it were my time, Heavenly Father could have taken me right there, so she can stop worrying.
I sat back down to eat, but Emeli wouldn't let me eat. She told me to eat carefully and not talk while I was eating.
This morning she wrote me a note telling me to call her if anything happens to me and to always chew first and then I can talk. Funny girl. I reminded her that I have been around her for 11 years and nothing like that has ever happened and that I'm a big girl and I'll be okay. She worries so much.
So now I have a sore throat from wheezing and my stomach hurts right under my rib cage from where I hurled myself against the chair back. Emeli has a sore throat too. We figure it's from the screaming. A good reminder to always be careful when eating.
I looked up Heimlich after my experience and found out that lots of people die from that kind of thing because they panic and pass out and don't have the presence of mind or the time to give themselves the Heimlich. I am grateful that I was granted the presence of mind to stay calm and do what needed to be done to save myself.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
May 25, 2009 Tuesday
It's been forever since I have blogged. I have avoided blogging for the last little while because my job has really been hard. For a while, I was ready to walk. I was coming home in tears and miserable. But things are better now. I didn't want to vomit all my feelings in the blog. That would be boring. So suffice it to say that my job is better right now. It's always cyclic with my boss. He's a jerk for a while, then he feels sorry, then he's nice and it cycles like that. It's an abusive circle. But it pays the bills and there is nothing better out there right now.
We went to the Provo temple on Friday to do Dad's work. That was nice. I didn't really feel him there, but that's okay. Ryan did his work and he felt the Spirit and felt like it was a good thing, so I'm satisfied with that. It felt good to be back in the temple again. I reflected a lot on how I have been in the last two years and I'm not too happy with myself. So I have decided to clean up my language. Roberto would never tell me stop swearing, even though he is not a swearing person himself. He only swears when he is truly angry. I used to be that way, but I have started to swear a lot more than that. I told Roberto I was going to stop swearing and he just nodded. I told him I appreciate that he never told me to stop swearing but he let ME decide for myself. He said that's the way it should be. I should only change if I want to change. I love that about him.
Of course, the morning before I had to go to the temple, there was drama. There always is. I had given my key to Brett a couple of weeks ago and then Freddy found it and used it, so it was not on my key ring. Freddy went grocery shopping with me that morning and didn't bring his key, either. So when we got back from WalMart, we were locked out. Of course, when Roberto left, he had the house locked down and there was NO way for us to get in. So we drove to Emeli's school, found her on the playground and got the key from her. I flew upstairs, changed and met Barbi, Ryan and Mom at our lunch place and was able to just inhale my lunch before we left. But I was telling Freddy that it's not really a good temple day if you don't have drama like that beforehand.
We bought Emeli two goldfish on Wednesday. She was thrilled. She named one Bones because Taylor told her to and the other one looked like a tiger, so we named it Tigger. The next morning, Bones was dead. This freaked her out, but we got over it and went back to WalMart to tell them about the fish. We had our receipt, but they wanted the dead fish, too. okay. whatever. We got a replacement fish. It was really cute. Emeli was very worried that it would die as well. She was going to Idaho with her dad and wanted us to all take care of them. Unfortunately, the fish both died on Friday night when she was gone to Idaho. It wouldn't be so bad except that she has lost a lot of pets in the last two years. One summer we had two litters of kittens and each night at about 10pm, one of the kittens would die. There were 8 kittens. Talk about drama. Every single night we lost a kitten. So she's really gun shy about losing pets. So we are going to go to PetSmart instead of WalMart. We think the fish are sick and diseased there at WalMart.
As we were driving home from WalMart, the song "The Flame" by Cheap Trick came on the radio. Roberto started singing it to me. In the song he says,
"Wherever you go, I'll be with you.
Whatever you want
I'll give it to you
Whenever you need someone
To lay your heart and head upon
Remember after the fire After all the rain
I will be the flame"
As Roberto was singing that to me, he was holding my hand and catching my eye while he was driving. It was very tender. Emeli sat in the back seat watching us. I looked back and caught her eye and we shared a smile. She knows how happy I am and I know she likes seeing it. I'm hoping that little things like that will help her know what SHE wants when she gets married.
So this weekend we went to Malad, ID for Memorial Day weekend and that was really nice. It was very relaxing to just sit around, talk and I got a ton of needlework done. I also learned how to make really good curry. So I'm making it on Friday night. YUM. We went by Rachelle's on the way back down to Springville. That was nice. Rachelle and I went shopping for shoes and of course, that was way fun. There is nothing like getting out and shopping for shoes.
Emeli was a little emotional when she got home last night and saw her little empty bowl. There was something murky floating around in the water, so we are thinking the water was gross and the fish were diseased. So we are going somewhere else for new fish for her this week.
I know I have left out a bunch of stuff, but I will keep more abreast of things from now on.
We went to the Provo temple on Friday to do Dad's work. That was nice. I didn't really feel him there, but that's okay. Ryan did his work and he felt the Spirit and felt like it was a good thing, so I'm satisfied with that. It felt good to be back in the temple again. I reflected a lot on how I have been in the last two years and I'm not too happy with myself. So I have decided to clean up my language. Roberto would never tell me stop swearing, even though he is not a swearing person himself. He only swears when he is truly angry. I used to be that way, but I have started to swear a lot more than that. I told Roberto I was going to stop swearing and he just nodded. I told him I appreciate that he never told me to stop swearing but he let ME decide for myself. He said that's the way it should be. I should only change if I want to change. I love that about him.
Of course, the morning before I had to go to the temple, there was drama. There always is. I had given my key to Brett a couple of weeks ago and then Freddy found it and used it, so it was not on my key ring. Freddy went grocery shopping with me that morning and didn't bring his key, either. So when we got back from WalMart, we were locked out. Of course, when Roberto left, he had the house locked down and there was NO way for us to get in. So we drove to Emeli's school, found her on the playground and got the key from her. I flew upstairs, changed and met Barbi, Ryan and Mom at our lunch place and was able to just inhale my lunch before we left. But I was telling Freddy that it's not really a good temple day if you don't have drama like that beforehand.
We bought Emeli two goldfish on Wednesday. She was thrilled. She named one Bones because Taylor told her to and the other one looked like a tiger, so we named it Tigger. The next morning, Bones was dead. This freaked her out, but we got over it and went back to WalMart to tell them about the fish. We had our receipt, but they wanted the dead fish, too. okay. whatever. We got a replacement fish. It was really cute. Emeli was very worried that it would die as well. She was going to Idaho with her dad and wanted us to all take care of them. Unfortunately, the fish both died on Friday night when she was gone to Idaho. It wouldn't be so bad except that she has lost a lot of pets in the last two years. One summer we had two litters of kittens and each night at about 10pm, one of the kittens would die. There were 8 kittens. Talk about drama. Every single night we lost a kitten. So she's really gun shy about losing pets. So we are going to go to PetSmart instead of WalMart. We think the fish are sick and diseased there at WalMart.
As we were driving home from WalMart, the song "The Flame" by Cheap Trick came on the radio. Roberto started singing it to me. In the song he says,
"Wherever you go, I'll be with you.
Whatever you want
I'll give it to you
Whenever you need someone
To lay your heart and head upon
Remember after the fire After all the rain
I will be the flame"
As Roberto was singing that to me, he was holding my hand and catching my eye while he was driving. It was very tender. Emeli sat in the back seat watching us. I looked back and caught her eye and we shared a smile. She knows how happy I am and I know she likes seeing it. I'm hoping that little things like that will help her know what SHE wants when she gets married.
So this weekend we went to Malad, ID for Memorial Day weekend and that was really nice. It was very relaxing to just sit around, talk and I got a ton of needlework done. I also learned how to make really good curry. So I'm making it on Friday night. YUM. We went by Rachelle's on the way back down to Springville. That was nice. Rachelle and I went shopping for shoes and of course, that was way fun. There is nothing like getting out and shopping for shoes.
Emeli was a little emotional when she got home last night and saw her little empty bowl. There was something murky floating around in the water, so we are thinking the water was gross and the fish were diseased. So we are going somewhere else for new fish for her this week.
I know I have left out a bunch of stuff, but I will keep more abreast of things from now on.
Monday, May 4, 2009
May 4, 2009 Monday
This weekend was really nice, even though we had some drama that we could have done without. Reader’s Digest version: Emeli watched “The Matrix” on Saturday morning and lied to me about it. The boys had let her watch it Friday night thinking it would be okay because she has seen it before. Freddy lied to me about it, too. So we made them both come up with three consequences and we would pick the one that would happen to them. We still haven’t talked with Freddy about what his consequence should be. Emeli’s is that she is grounded from friends all week.
I really love how Roberto supports me with the kids. He isn’t just an observer. He helps me discipline them and I really appreciate it. When he talks to them, he doesn’t yell and if I start to raise my voice, he will quietly touch me and kind of rub my back or my arm, reminding me to be softer.
We are really tight this week. I told the boys that we are so tight, Roberto didn’t know where we would get money for food. That was more for their benefit so they would understand I can’t take them out for pizza or crap like that. Unfortunately, Emeli overheard me. Emeli came up to our room yesterday and said, “Mom, is it time for me to tell Dad that we are going to starve this week and that he needs to pay more child support?” I told her no. I told her that Roberto had figured out how to buy some food and we are going to be able to buy food. I also told her that it is not her job to worry like that. Roberto worries about that kind of thing and he always has a solution. If it got that bad, he would ask the bishop for help. I told her that he would never let her go hungry. He would go without food before he would let her go hungry. I told her he has done that before, too. Then I told her that he has gold and if it ever became so bad here, he would sell some gold to keep us safe. I hope she felt better after that. I told her to stop worrying and be a kid. Roberto worries enough for all of us combined to the point that he can’t sleep, so things will always be taken care of. I told her he loves her like she was his own daughter and he will always take care of her.
Later, she went to hug Freddy and he was kind of impatient and told her, “Emeli, why do you always need to hug?” She just kind of wilted and walked away. I was there and walked up to her and held her. I told her that she is very huggy and that sometimes people are busy and they aren’t thinking about that kind of thing. It’s good to have her around so she can remind us to slow down and hug more often. I told her to give Freddy another chance. Freddy felt terrible. He knew he had hurt her feelings. I also told her that Roberto is just like that. I said, “Have you ever noticed that he never turns you away or gets impatient when you hug him? It’s because he likes hugs too.” I told her how he is always saying to me, “Can I get a hug?” I told her that it’s good to have people like that in our lives who remind us to slow down and hug. I don’t want her to stop. She went up to Roberto, who was on the computer in our room. She told him what I had said about him and he agreed. He said he likes to hug and always likes getting her hugs.
I baked banana bread, wheat bread and cookies. I told Emeli that if she is worried that we are going hungry for her to look in the freezer and see all the bread and cookies I have baked. I told her to look in the cupboards and see all the cans of food. I told her we have meat in the freezer and we have food for the week. I know she probably went downstairs right after we spoke and looked in the fridge, freezer and cupboards. She is such a worrier and it really bothers me. She worries way too much for someone her age. I wish I could shield her from that.
I just got a text from Fred. He is speaking on Mother's Day and wants the kids to hear him speak. He wants to bring the kids by my house after that on Sunday. I told him no. I'm sure we are going to have drama from that. I don't care if he is speaking. It's Mother's Day. I spoke on Easter Sunday and they weren't there for that because they were at his house, so he'll be okay. But I expect drama from that...grrr.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Saturday
I have not written for a while. Partly because life has been a little hard and I haven't wanted to write about it.
Freddy arrived two weeks ago and that has been mixed. I love having him around, but he is adding an element of drama I could do without. Last weekend Emeli found out that he has been smoking weed. That was not good. It really upset her. She was convinced that Freddy could die. Freddy wanted me to convince her that smoking weed is okay and that he will be fine. I told him he put me in a very awkward position. I have never believed in illegal drugs. I have taught my children to be smarter than that. No matter how safe Freddy believes weed is, it's still a drug. Drugs are unpredictable. You can't ever say that a drug is safe, even prescription drugs. That was a whole lot of drama we didn't need.
Thank goodness for Roberto. He has a very strong belief system. He is my strength. When he speaks to the kids about things, he uses a calm, soft voice. He doesn't judge. He just states facts. He doesn't use guilt to teach, unlike their dad. They appreciate that and so do I.
Then, after a dramatic Sunday evening, I had a terrible work week. My boss is abusive and a bully. On Monday, he sat me in his office and told me that if I do another mistake on PO orders, I will be written up. I understand that. We created some procedural check lists so that I could make sure the PO's are more accurate. The problem is that most of my mistakes are because he sends me faulty PO's, but I can't bring that up because he denies that. Oh well. So I accepted that I could get written up. I was quiet after that because I was very upset with myself. On Wednesday, I was talking with the two guys who make campaign calls. From his office, my boss was literally yelling at me. At one time, as I was asking one of the guys a question, Rick yelled, "Judi, are you listening to me?!" and then he berated me in front of everyone in the office. I just stood there. I walked into their cubicle with my back to my boss while he was yelling. I stared straight ahead and had a very stoney look on my face. One of the guys saw my expression and I could tell he felt sorry for me. I just took his abuse. He came to my desk about half an hour later and tapped me on the shoulder and half heartedly apologized for treating me the way he had. He said he did that mostly because he needed to let the guys know how angry he was with them. He said, "You understand, don't you?" I didn't answer back. I wanted to say, "Don't touch me." Later that day, he found a PO that one of our sales guys had failed to ask to be processed. He proceeded to blame me for that, too. So he yelled at me again. By now, I was only speaking to him when I had to and answering him with yes or no. He knew I was pissed. He went and spoke to Heather in her office very quietly. She told me later that she had told him that she doesn't know why I take his abuse, but she wouldn't. He called me later, on his way home, and told me he wanted to talk to me the next day about his behavior and how he knew he was an ass. I told him that would be fine.
I came home from work upset and crying. I called Roberto at his work and literally just bawled into the phone. He knew about how the beginning of the week had been kind of building up to this. He told me he was ready to go in there and take my boss down a peg or two. He told me he would be home soon and he would help me feel better. I was very nervous about the next day. I knew Rick would try and justify his behavior.
Roberto told me that if I ever feel that abused again, I have his permission to walk. He said I can call him and he will come pick me up and help me pack my desk and then he will have a talk with Rick. So now, armed with that, I can tell my boss to go to hell and I will. As it turns out, on Thursday, he never had that talk with me. He was out of the office most of the day. Roberto kept calling me to see if we had spoken yet. When I told him my boss had left the office and wasn't coming back in, he called him a huge chicken. I completely blew him off whenever he tried to talk to me or joke with me. I would just give him my deadpan look and he knew he was on my hit list. By Friday, he still hadn't spoken with me, but he was being very nice to me. We had a staff meeting and he made a point of saying, "If Judi left, I would not be able to do PO's." I wanted to say, "Yeah, so watch your step, jerk." Both Thursday and Friday morning, Roberto came into my office to visit me, just to let Rick know that he is there for me and knows. On Thursday, he came into my cubicle and hugged me and loudly said, "You okay?"
Roberto held me on Wednesday night and told me that I should never fear my boss. He said no money is worth the abuse I have put up with and he won't allow it. He said, "I don't talk to you that way and he certainly won't." He told me the next time Rick is like that, I can walk right off the job. So I will. Plus, I will file a complaint.
As soon as Roberto is making good money selling at his work, I will quit and teach piano for extra income. Plus, I am also going to try and find a part time job that doesn't take me away from home so much. That will be nice. Until then, I can stay there. Hopefully my boss can behave and I don't have to walk away.
Freddy arrived two weeks ago and that has been mixed. I love having him around, but he is adding an element of drama I could do without. Last weekend Emeli found out that he has been smoking weed. That was not good. It really upset her. She was convinced that Freddy could die. Freddy wanted me to convince her that smoking weed is okay and that he will be fine. I told him he put me in a very awkward position. I have never believed in illegal drugs. I have taught my children to be smarter than that. No matter how safe Freddy believes weed is, it's still a drug. Drugs are unpredictable. You can't ever say that a drug is safe, even prescription drugs. That was a whole lot of drama we didn't need.
Thank goodness for Roberto. He has a very strong belief system. He is my strength. When he speaks to the kids about things, he uses a calm, soft voice. He doesn't judge. He just states facts. He doesn't use guilt to teach, unlike their dad. They appreciate that and so do I.
Then, after a dramatic Sunday evening, I had a terrible work week. My boss is abusive and a bully. On Monday, he sat me in his office and told me that if I do another mistake on PO orders, I will be written up. I understand that. We created some procedural check lists so that I could make sure the PO's are more accurate. The problem is that most of my mistakes are because he sends me faulty PO's, but I can't bring that up because he denies that. Oh well. So I accepted that I could get written up. I was quiet after that because I was very upset with myself. On Wednesday, I was talking with the two guys who make campaign calls. From his office, my boss was literally yelling at me. At one time, as I was asking one of the guys a question, Rick yelled, "Judi, are you listening to me?!" and then he berated me in front of everyone in the office. I just stood there. I walked into their cubicle with my back to my boss while he was yelling. I stared straight ahead and had a very stoney look on my face. One of the guys saw my expression and I could tell he felt sorry for me. I just took his abuse. He came to my desk about half an hour later and tapped me on the shoulder and half heartedly apologized for treating me the way he had. He said he did that mostly because he needed to let the guys know how angry he was with them. He said, "You understand, don't you?" I didn't answer back. I wanted to say, "Don't touch me." Later that day, he found a PO that one of our sales guys had failed to ask to be processed. He proceeded to blame me for that, too. So he yelled at me again. By now, I was only speaking to him when I had to and answering him with yes or no. He knew I was pissed. He went and spoke to Heather in her office very quietly. She told me later that she had told him that she doesn't know why I take his abuse, but she wouldn't. He called me later, on his way home, and told me he wanted to talk to me the next day about his behavior and how he knew he was an ass. I told him that would be fine.
I came home from work upset and crying. I called Roberto at his work and literally just bawled into the phone. He knew about how the beginning of the week had been kind of building up to this. He told me he was ready to go in there and take my boss down a peg or two. He told me he would be home soon and he would help me feel better. I was very nervous about the next day. I knew Rick would try and justify his behavior.
Roberto told me that if I ever feel that abused again, I have his permission to walk. He said I can call him and he will come pick me up and help me pack my desk and then he will have a talk with Rick. So now, armed with that, I can tell my boss to go to hell and I will. As it turns out, on Thursday, he never had that talk with me. He was out of the office most of the day. Roberto kept calling me to see if we had spoken yet. When I told him my boss had left the office and wasn't coming back in, he called him a huge chicken. I completely blew him off whenever he tried to talk to me or joke with me. I would just give him my deadpan look and he knew he was on my hit list. By Friday, he still hadn't spoken with me, but he was being very nice to me. We had a staff meeting and he made a point of saying, "If Judi left, I would not be able to do PO's." I wanted to say, "Yeah, so watch your step, jerk." Both Thursday and Friday morning, Roberto came into my office to visit me, just to let Rick know that he is there for me and knows. On Thursday, he came into my cubicle and hugged me and loudly said, "You okay?"
Roberto held me on Wednesday night and told me that I should never fear my boss. He said no money is worth the abuse I have put up with and he won't allow it. He said, "I don't talk to you that way and he certainly won't." He told me the next time Rick is like that, I can walk right off the job. So I will. Plus, I will file a complaint.
As soon as Roberto is making good money selling at his work, I will quit and teach piano for extra income. Plus, I am also going to try and find a part time job that doesn't take me away from home so much. That will be nice. Until then, I can stay there. Hopefully my boss can behave and I don't have to walk away.
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